Monday, December 29, 2008

Measles Mumps Rubella






Here is a picture of measles:



Wikipedia says this is a picture of a kid with mumps. I suspect it is just an Augustus Gloop kid. Regardless, notice the swollen cheeks.


This is a picture of Rubella.



After the oil cleansing method's massive failure I decided to get back on some kind of acne medication. This was an extensive 2 months-long ordeal involving the insurance company and 2 stupid doctors and a bunch of frustration, until I finally went and saw a dermatologist that I liked. He prescribed me Retin-A and some other stuff.

The derm said that about 25% of people get worse before they get better but to "stick with it!!" I believe he may have been disingenuous about that figure, or I fall into the 25%. But basically, Retin-A was like, "Oh, what? You were self-conscious and upset about your face? Hm? You bail all the time on plans because you don't like to go out in public. Oh, well fuck you. Here, let me make you look like you went to get the MMR vaccine but it went horribly, horribly wrong and mutilated your face." For like 4 days my face just got worse and worse. The bottom of my face was all swollen up like Mumps up there. I will spare you the details of some of the nasty bumps, but it was a bad, measeley, pussy scene. And then it got red all over and hot and rubellaed. And also really hurt a lot. And also peeled and was flaky on top of the symptoms of MMR. Pretty awesome. This was all while I was home over Christmas...so the plus side is that I at least didn't have to come to work with my deformity. The negative was that my family, who I only see twice a year, now has to live for the next 6 months with their last memory of me looking like every Proactiv before image layered on top of each other.
It is now pretty much back to what it looked like when I went to the dermatologist and itches. Woo progress.

Anyway, supposedly my skin is gonna look sogood once it gets better. Fingers crossed, otherwise I am probably going to have to get a face transplant. I have decided that this is either a lesson on how to love myself from the inside, or punishment for every bitchy thing I have ever said about another girl.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

blog views

man I need to start posting more...my average blog views just keep going down and down.

Anyway, I got home about 2 hours ago...from home....it's hard and weird being bicoastal...as soon as I get to Oregon I feel comfortable and happy...and then as soon as I get into New York I feel comfortable and happy...but in different ways and for different reasons in both places.

Anyway, Christmas was nice. It felt kind of thrown together to me, and that may just be because I procrastinated and was working so hard in the weeks up to Christmas I never really felt in the Christmas spirit. I got a Wii and a really awesome quilt that my mom made. Plus a check for "student loan" payments in a card that said something about starting off the new year with a little student loan help. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a reminder that you're drowning in debt.
I kid. I feel like I got really spoiled this year...I think my parents miss me.
I definitely gained about a thousand pounds...I don't know how it's possible for pants to get that much tighter in 4 days.
Something like half of all New Year's resolutions are weight related...and 75% fail.
I cannot fail though, because....
my sister got engaged!
Which is crazy!
She has been with her boyfriend (fiance!) for about a year and a half. I got to spend some time with him at Christmas and he is a good guy and I think will be a welcome addition to our family. He proposed to her today, and she texted me with a pic of the ring while I was in the cab on the way home from the airport as her way of letting me know. I cried, apparently I was the only one...Ashley said she didn't even cry and I guess my mom didn't either. I'm such a sap.
But, I guess afterwards they were talking about it, Ryan said, "oh you're sister's gonna be pissed that I didn't do it while she was here" Which is funny, because after I said "oh my god!" I said "I am pissed at Ryan! Why didn't he do it while I was there!"
Anyway he had some whole cute way he was gonna do it. Anyway, I am happy for them.

So that's about it. I have a whole comment on the Whopper Virgins commercial nonsense I think I will write about later. Oh also my new favorite thing is Ruby on the Style channel. It's about this obese woman trying to lose weight. She is very likeable and I always feel kind of inspired.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

the good news


Frank told me today that he is moving out because he got a job in D.C. He will be out by Feb 1 at the latest. For me, this means:
A complete elimination of snapping, clapping and laughing excessively at tv shows.
A 50% reduction in smoking inside.
A 50% reduction of poop stains in my toilet.
A 25% reduction in dirty dishes left in the sink for an excessive amount of time.
A complete elimination of football and ESPN watching.
A 25% increase in household cleanliness.
A complete elimination of my-milk-drinking.
A 25% reduction in awkward common area silences.
A complete elimination of loud nose blowing.
A 50% reduction in smoker's cough.

And, unfortunately, a 25% reduction in blog material.



I am going to head the steering committee on finding a roommate that I actually like. I am pretty sure that Asperger's and Stoner don't give a shit.

Hopefully this will work towards alleviating my crushing depression.

In other news, my episode of Judge Karen re-ran on Thursday. So my parents and my sister finally got to see it. Unfortunately, my friend Alex in Eugene who was the only person I knew for sure could figure out how to put it on the internets drunked out and forgot to DVR it. He did write me an email saying he was sorry...but that doesn't bring Judge Karen back, does it Alex?!?! Anyway, that's the sad news for those of you to whom I keep making empty promises of an internet showing. My mom thinks she may be able to do it...we'll see.
ALSO someone came to my blog after googling "judge karen bedbugs". How awesome is that? They saw my episode and were curious to learn more about this case. Fortunately for them my blog is a wealth of material on both bedbugs AND Judge Karen. I'm on my way to the big time, friends.

Friday, December 12, 2008

he's just not that into you(r birth control)


From Jezebel via New Scientist: A study suggests that ovulating women are more susceptible to being hit on. Who knew the pill could also prevent you from giving a douchebag your number? That's contraception we can believe in. [New Scientist.

In my opinion, in addition to ensuring that you will be going home alone tonight, being on BC also prevents you from sustaining a relationship. I submit as evidence, three stories:

1. The day that I most recently got dumped I had also gone to the doctor to get a new acne medication. Antibiotics interfere with the effectiveness of birth control, and since this dude and I were having unprotected sex I thought maybe I should quit playing russian roulette with my uterus. So I asked for a non-antibiotic acne medication. Dumped later that day.

2. A friend of mine had started seeing someone and they had slept together a couple times, so she decided she should go back on birth control. She went and got herself hooked up with the pill, and I believe she got dumped that same day...definitely that same week.

3. Another friend of mine was casually sleeping with somone and also decided that she should maybe get on the BC. Once she got the prescription she never saw him again.

Sometimes they say that a girl had a baby just to keep her man. But clearly, she just quit taking birth control in order to keep her claws in him and the baby was just an unfortunate fertility side effect.

P.S. I am pretty sure that, given the amount of unprotected sex I have had while on birth control AND antibiotics, and the lack of pregnancy, I am infertile.

what is it i must do to pay for all my crimes

My junior year in college I lived in a "suite" with 3 other girls that I had transferred in with in the second semester of my sophomore year. A suite was 4 individual rooms, kind of separate from the rest of the dorm hallway, with a shared bathroom and a shared little hallway. Well, it turned out that the only thing any of us had in common was that we had transferred at the same time, and by fall break things were starting to get kind of miserable.
So one night I was smoking pot in my room with a couple of friends, and the most uptight of my roommates burst through the door. Now, the marijuana has apparently impeded my memory formation so I don't remember if she had asked me before to not smoke or what. All I remember is her standing in my doorway yelling something about me sleeping my life away and threatening to go to the dean of students, and me pretty much just laughing in her face. I am pretty sure I did not quit smoking pot in my room after that though.

The other night Stoner and her friend Bo were standing in the kitchen, which is right outside my room, talking very loudly at about 3 am. The babies and I had been sleeping, and Lucy stretched and shook her head which made the tag on her collar tinkle a little. Then I hear stoner saying to her friend, "Oh, are you looking for a kitty?". So I'm in bed thinking, "Um, is he looking into my room..because that's not cool." Her friend replies that he "heard a little jingle jangle." And I guess he decided that a little jingle jangle is how fat cats say hi, because he took some keys and jangled them outside my door. And jangled some more. Then sighed and said "no kitties". But, just in case, he gave the keys a few more jangles.

It is again 3 am. I woke up because someone was buzzing on the intercom. Twice. Frank ended up getting up and going to the intercom and what do you know, it's Jingle Jangle, come to see Stoner. Frank knocks on Stoner's door, but she doesn't answer and I guess Frank went downstairs and told J.J. to go away or something. Stoner came out of her room about a minute after Frank had gone back into his roo,m, so obviously had woken up during this whole thing. I imagined her reclining in a fainting chaise, "oh just send him away! I can't be bothered."

So I am sitting here thinking about what I could have possibly done to deserve this. What kind of karmic retribution am I paying...

And then I remembered that incident my junior year. Karma comes back three fold, bitch.

Monday, December 1, 2008

i read with every broken heart we should become more adventerous

Well, I was dumped today. Via e-mail, which rounds out the other ball-less ways people have broken up with me including phone, text message, and instant message. And yet, never in person. In case you didn't already know that I have a shitty track record, this should give you an idea of the type of person I date. I would like the next person who dumps me to do it via telegram.
I didn't want to have to do this. Stop
I like you, but just not enough. Stop
I hope we can keep in touch. Stop

And you may be saying to yourself, wait Caitlin was in a relationship? Wasn't she going on all these other dates? And you are partially right, friend. But I was not in a real relationship. I was only in the type of relationship that I continually am in, which is one that sucks up my life for months and months at a time with someone who likes me, but not quite enough to not be an asshole. Thus, the side-dating with other equally douchy dudes who I vainly hope will be able to commit.

Normally I would be back on the prowl and probably have an immediate one night stand. Maybe even tonight. It's not unheard of. Unfortunately, my skin situation is such that I barely want to leave the house leave lone go on a date where I try not to self-consciously keep my hands in front of my face the entire time. But I did go to the doctor today. Predictably, she admonished me for being a skin picker. I have never heard a convincing enough reason to think that that shit needs to stay inside my skin. Also, I have very few joys in life. One of them is discovery health shows about freaks. Another is picking at my face. Don't take that away from me.