Who Wants to Be a Millanaire!

I am auditioning for Who Wants to Be a Millionaire on the 17th.  I have to fill out an application beforehand.

These are the questions:

. Quirks, rituals, superstitions…What makes you unique?

2. How would winning $1 million change your life?

3. What is one thing you do that makes people laugh?

4. If you could nominate yourself as best-_____ or “most likely to_____,” what would be your vote?

5. What do you do for fun?

6. You’d never believe it but I once…

7. Why do you want to be on Millionaire?  

Any input as to what I could put to make me stand out?

adventures in stand up

So I had my little stand-up debut on Monday. Some people came out, most were supportive. It didn't really go how I wanted it to and at first I was really disappointed, but people keep telling me I should try it again. I think next time I do it it would be at an actual comedy venue because I think my grand scheme of how great it would be to NOT do it at a comedy venue was actually not all that successful. Apparently the bartender told my friend that he liked it and it was bizarre. My friend told me that he thought it made people uncomfortable (this was a compliment) and I certainly in my general life make people uncomfortable so it follows that it would carry over to my "stand up".
My friend took a video of it, which I will review once I have some distance from the experience and see what I would like to do differently.
All in all I am glad I did it if only to push myself beyond my boundaries and do something kind of different.
And who knows, you may see me again at your local open mic night. If not, I just have another story.

In unrelated news I need to quit drinking so much -- believe it or not my recent excess is actually a good sign because it means I emerging from my cocoon of hibernation. You like those mixed metaphors?

Aaand in final news I think I am going to hold off on the duathlon until September when I feel more ready.

That's about it on the homefront.

I got Brooklyn blowing up

So my friend Ed does a show every Monday night in the back room at Union Pool in Williamsburg. After an evening of many drinks he invited me to share the stage with his band for a short stand-up bit. Since I was like 20 people have often told me I should do stand up...so if this goes well I may try an open mic night somewhere.
Anyway. Monday. March 30th. Union Pool. Sometime between 8 and 9...Ed says we should "feel out the crowd" to determine when the best time for me to go on is.

Update: My mom says I used to talk about doing standup when I was little, which I don't remember. I also wrote in an "about me" book in 3rd grade that I wanted to write about myself and my life when I grew up. It's nice to stick to one's goals.

That's how we do in Clinton Hill

So I was doing my grocery shopping on Saturday at my local Pioneer supermarket. And I'm in the produce section, rifling through leafy greens to find ones that haven't turned mushy brown, cuz that's what you have to do at the Pioneer. And then I see this dude over at the deli, who looks a lot like Food Network celeb Ted Allen...but surely, Ted Allen -- who on many episodes of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy lamented that the proletariat does not enjoy duck pate -- does not shop at the Pioneer. Even though they renovated it a month or so ago, so they no longer store produce on the filthy floor. And they added some organic/natural foods. And they added some fancy cheeses (by my standards, keeping in mind here that I am pretty pissed that the $1.99 cheese I like to buy increased to $2.49). But still, this is no gourmet market. This is where I and the 2,000 denizens of the Lafayette Gardens projects shop. Not Ted Allen.
Turns out, he does. Because I am the master of finding things out about people on the internet, I learned that Ted Allen actually lives a few blocks from me.
And you may be saying to yourself, wait Caitlin, don't you live in the ghetto? Wasn't someone shot on your doorstep like a year ago? And you are partially right, friend. But, as many visitors have observed, one only has to travel a few blocks to get to very nice brownstones and less gang activity. Like, a few blocks in Ted Allen's direction...
So I find an article in New York Magazine from October 2008 in which he discussess his move to Clinton Hill. I found another article with his address, but I am withholding it out of respect for his privacy. What if one of my readers from Kansas decides to stalk him?!
My favorite part of the interview is as follows: When's the last time you drove a car?
Today. I love Clinton Hill, but the grocery stores suck.

Well said, Ted. But, I suppose we all have to make concessions once in a while.

My fame is unending

I am the comment of the day on Postcards From Yo Momma!

They're usually up for a couple days but in case it's gone, the postcard said was:
I understand how easy it is to get hooked on daytime TV talk shows. This past summer my best friends were the ladies on the view and I finally realized they were not really that interesting most of the time. I was only watching to see what they wore. I also watched the beginning of Ellen on occasion so I would have someone to dance with. Pitiful right? So I went “cold turkey” and found other interests.

And my comment said:
My mom's best friends are the Good Morning America team.

Amish Friendship Bread

Does anyone remember amish friendship bread? Circa 1993?
I've been thinking about it recently and how maybe I'd like to make it. Even though making the starter involves using yeast, and last time I tried to make something using yeast I just made hardtack. If only I were on a merchant ship! Or a slave ship. Anything trans-atantic really. Pair that with some salted pork....you've got some fab scurvy dining.
Well, here is an article from the "Albany News Miner", about why I should not make amish friendship bread. now or ever.
My favorite parts:
The loaf of Amish friendship bread your co-worker brought to work tasted most excellent, so you complimented the chef.

Big mistake.

The following morning you arrived at work to discover a large Ziploc bag of bile-colored goo slouching on your desk. Along with it, a sheet of paper filled, top to bottom, with detailed instructions on how to care for and cultivate the goo, destined to sit and sour on your counter for 10 days as you take turns mushing it, ignoring it, squeezing out built-up-fumes and adding various ingredients — milk, sugar, flour — before the final baking.

I had forgotten about "burping the bag" which is sick. I really can't handle disgusting bodily functions being attributed to inanimate objects. Sick.
Also they don't put that you add in pudding! That's the best part.

“This is the chain letter of food,” said Linda Picarazzi, a baker who lives in South Bethlehem, N.Y. “This stuff requires daily care. So don’t even think about going away for the weekend.”

Since instructions warn bakers to keep a bag of starter for themselves (since it allegedly can’t be made from scratch), and that freezing’s a no-no, law-abiding friendship bread bakers are therefore condemned to an seemingly endless cycle.

I love that you are forced to eat AFB in this Sisyphean baking hell of delicious pudding cinnamon sugar fermented ziploc bag bread. You can't ever stop! It's kind of how I feel about my podcast and blog subscriptions, but with food.

Bottom line, I will not be attempting to start an AFB ring, but I secretly want someone to offer me the baggie. That is also how I feel about cocaine.

OK, so I don't want my blog to just become about my roommates, which is why there haven't been many posts. But there are many mysteries to be solved in this apartment such as: why would someone be willing to live with a cabinet full of mouse poop and dishes in the sink for days BUT use a coaster EVERY TIME he puts down a glass?!
Will awkward roommate ever be not-awkward? Given that she appears to fall on the autism spectrum, I'm guessing no.
Will stoner roommate ever offer up some of her weed? Isn't that the stoner code? Is she a lesbian? If not, why do I see the biggest, butchest dyke (who does not live here) every morning on her way to the shower?
If I paint the living room, will anyone notice? Or care? What about if I take in foster kittens? Haitian refugees?


P.S. Thanks to everyone who supported my goal of making my episode of Judge Karen the highest rated. Now someone get it on the internets so i can email it to my mom (who screwed up the dvr-ing of it).

Judge Karen

My Episode Airs 9/16! Here it's on the CW at 1:30. I hope I can get my DVR by then!

I'm just a courtroom gangsta

Part two of Judge Karen day:

So after meeting with the producers I went to the set to do the actual taping. I had been concerned I was going to get the giggles because the whole experience was so bizarre and hilarious.
Ok, so you know how on court shows they say "The plaintiff is now entering the courtroom" and they play music that's like "duhduh dun dun duuuh". Well, they actually play that as you're walking into the courtroom. Which I did not know and I feel like someone should have said. Because as soon as I opened the door I was seriously like, "are you kidding me?" So I may have what looks like a smirk while I walk in because I was simultaneously stunned and amused.
So then you stand at your mark (see how I use tv lingo there? That's how I do now) for a while and look into a camera. Don't know why. Then I go backstage while Sam enters and then I come back in and then we were sworn in.

I knew from what the producers told me ahead of time that it was clear that I was the good guy and the victim in the case. And when the judge came in it was obvious she had already made up her mind. She began immediately questioning Sam about why he hadn't been more helpful, etc. and accused him of lying.
So you all will see that at my viewing party or my youtube video. There are some good parts though. At one point the judge cracked herself up so much she cried. And then the whole audience gasps when I put the picture of the bedbug up on the screen. So there are some good moments, I hope make it into commercials. Imagine if they air the commercials for my episode during Oprah?!?!

They did not do an after-trial interview by Harvey Levin which kind of bummed me out.

In the car ride home I was talking to the driver, who apparently drives for all of the court shows and for Maury and Montel. I guess it's a lucrative position because he owns a second home in Vermont.
Anyway, this guy has nothing but disdain for pretty much anyone who appears on these shows. I was hoping he could tell me some stories about crazy shit that I am sure that has happened after tapings, but he wasn't very specific. However, he did confirm my suspicions about the teeth. They fix your busted teeth for you! They have some dentist on file and they send you there with your nasty teeth and fix them right up!

The next day I saw Sam while I was on my way to do laundry.
"Hey Joyce!"
I said hey and we joked about the trial. Then he told me I looked tired. I told him that being on the show had really worn me out.
"Oh, please" he said, "You loved it"

How can someone who does not know my name totally have my number?

You would love the limelight too

Well, fans, I know everyone is just dying to hear about my tv debut.

First up: I won! The judge awarded me the cost of the extermination plus partial costs for some of the extra money I had to spend.

All in all the experience was pretty surreal. I had a job interview in Chelsea and they sent a car to pick me up from the interview and take me to the studio (Which in an interesting twist was only a few blocks from my terrible first placement with Mrs. Ruiz...somehow it makes me feel like my life has come full circle).

When I got there a PA whisked me off to "my" green room. Where they had a vanity mirror, a desk, a couch, a little tv and a sink. Another PA got me a sammich and a soda and it seems like I could have asked for pretty much anything.
Not long after I had been in the green room they took me to hair and makeup. Everyone was really nice and I felt pretty comfortable. I could get used to fame. I had to sign a bunch of releases. I checked specifically to see if I could blog about it, and it seemed to be ok. Everything else was pretty standard. I can't be on another court show for 2 more months though, about anything, which I thought was interesting.
After I got my hair and makeup did I went back into the green room. It was the afternoon and there were a lot of court shows on, but I couldn't bring myself to watch them so I settled for law and order, which I only half watched because I was starting to get kind of antsy.
They don't let you sit around for very long and soon I had to go down to the set for a "walk-through", where they tell you how to walk through the door, walk down the aisle and how to use the telestrator, which puts your evidence up on a big screen.
When I went back to the green room I got "Miced" Mic'd? I dunno. Anyway, and I also met with the production team"
Erin, the producer is everything that you would expect in a tv judge show producer. She was intense, talked fast and encouraged me to be as graphic as possible about the bedbugs. She also gave me a picture of an actual bedbug to use as "evidence" although I'm not entirely sure how it's evidence if the production team pulled it off of the internet. I liked her though she kept saying things like "bottom line, he owes you this fuckin' money. He doesn't have a case. So you'll just get out there and fuckin' win"

Anyway, that's it for part one because I need to do some more apartment research. Basically I am having a nervous breakdown right now about finding a job and a place. Where is the secret when you need it???

eeep

Judge Karen day is tomorrow!

I think it's the Secret's doing. I have a job interview in the am (more secret!) and the car is going to pick me up from my interview instead of from here, thus I avoid having to awkwardly explain to Sam why I would prefer my own car.

I am on my way to Kinko's now to fax over some stuff. They're giving me $150 for my trubs....LOVE fame! I wonder what kind of schwag they give you in the green room?

Also, my site meter tells me how people came to my blog. Apparently someone googled "vermin extermination guilt". My blog comes up as the 3rd result.

fuck judge wapner, it's jigga ya hear? y'all niggas in violation of the play hatin code section 1001 - JayZ

Ok, So The People's Court never called us back.
But when the Secret closes a door, a window is opened and today I was contacted by the Judge Karen show.
This is a new show starting this fall.
I will be going to court on the 24th with bff Steph in tow and friends in the audience.
And I guess my episode will air in the fall!

Oh also, here is what the producer asked me:
Correct spelling of my name
Birthday
Race
Correct address
And
If I had any cracked, missing or gold teeth.