Who Wants to Be a Millanaire!

I am auditioning for Who Wants to Be a Millionaire on the 17th.  I have to fill out an application beforehand.

These are the questions:

. Quirks, rituals, superstitions…What makes you unique?

2. How would winning $1 million change your life?

3. What is one thing you do that makes people laugh?

4. If you could nominate yourself as best-_____ or “most likely to_____,” what would be your vote?

5. What do you do for fun?

6. You’d never believe it but I once…

7. Why do you want to be on Millionaire?  

Any input as to what I could put to make me stand out?

brother can you spare a dime

Pretty much every news story and commercial you see these days includes a phrase along the lines of "in times like these", "in hard times" or"in today's economy". I have seen the recession used to sell tickets to Mary Poppins (in times like these, you need to see this uplifting musical), car insurance (can't afford to take chances), phone plans (in times like these, we need rollover minutes). The recession is the explanation for the increase in lottery ticket purchases...and food stamp applications. People even talk about "these hard times" and the increase in obesity (people eat cheaper, less nutritious food when they broke...true dat yo...that's why there are so many fried chicken places in my neighborhood and so few vegetable options).
Anyway...this is the thing...you know how when there is a tsunami in thailand or wherever and you feel kind of bad about it, but really it has nothing to do with you, and while you realize how terrible it is you have a hard time mustering any actual empathy? Maybe that's just me? Well, that's how I feel about the recession.
It really affects me in absolutely no way...except for that now my bank is owned by Chase and I think they increased the APR on my credit card. But besides that? Teenagers will always be out of control, people will always be crazy...so my job isn't at risk. I am making more money than I have ever made...and since the previous 2 years involved me having absolutely no income, I feel like the sultan of Dubai over here AND living on pretty much nothing gave me some decent budgeting skills so I'm used to living on the cheap. I am pretty sure that the $100 I have in savings isn't going anywhere, and I'm not worried about my declining 401K because I cashed it out two years ago for grad school.

Basically, what I'm saying is....unemployment and a master's degree were my recession...and now I'm all New Deal and chicken in every pot and stuff.

I think there should be a new area of marketing...and it should be like, "Hey, you...hey, things are ok! Go shopping!"

America and Caitlin love cultural diversity

This post is basically just a series of my thoughts from the last 12 hours. I swear it's all connected.

I got the cats this litter that I don't like recently. It seriously sucks...doesn't clump, really emphasizes the ammonia odor quality of feline urine...no good. I like arm and hammer super scoop. So today I went to go get some arm and hammer super scoop. I went to the Pioneer, which is remodeling and obnoxious to go into. No super scoop. C-Town. No super scoop. The weird store next to C-Town that smells weird. No super scoop. The bodega on the corner. No super scoop. Family Dollar. No super scoop. So as I was wandering around to every store within two blocks of my apartment, I was thinking, goddammit this is what I hate about New York. I can't get my fucking cat litter. In other normal cities where they have huge grocery stores within 5 minutes of anywhere, I would be able to get all the different varieties of super scoop - multi-cat AND odor control. I ended up getting Cat's Pride...which is ok, but it's no super scoop.

Anyway, then I was leaving the gym this evening and I said goodnight to the security guard because I am polite and I was putting on my sweatshirt and he motioned me over. He was pointing at the tattoo on my ankle, which I got my senior year in college, of an Om. Pictured above. Mine is red. It's kind of awesome. I am actually always a little wary when an Indian or Hindu person notices my tattoo because I feel like I can't speak articulately about why I have it. It's really more representative of my made up snake and salamander religion, which I also can't speak very articulately about....but, like, I'm not Christian and I would never have a tattoo of a cross. Anyways, the security guard had an om tattooed on his arm. Fortunately, he didn't call me out on being a Hindu fraud and instead talked about how a lot of white people are into Hinduism and he thinks it's just great. Here are some other things I learned about him:
He is from Surinam by way of Holland
Holland is nice
Surinam is nice. There aren't a lot of people.
There aren't a lot of people from Surinam in New York.
He came here in 2002.
His daughter lives in Holland.
Holland takes care of its people better than America.
English is hard to learn.
His nephew may or may not speak good english.

Then I was thinking how much I love new york and the different kinds of people. Sometimes. Sometimes I miss homogeneity. So THEN I was all filled with naive pride for America and opportunities and black men as president. And then I was remembering election night and how it was kind of awesome to be in my neighborhood.
Living in a poor black neighborhood, across the street from the projects, basically guarantees an Obama landslide on my block. And when they called it, the streets were filled with people cheering, honking their horns, shouting, white people hugging black people and general elation. That shit didn't happen in eugene, I imagine....at least not where either my parents or my sister live.
The election also brought me and asperger's together because we watched the returns. I offered her some ice cream. She offered me some beer. And I was reminded of another time when I crossed cultural boundaries. When I worked at the nursing home in Harlem and everyone hated me because I was white, especially this girl I had to share the computer/janitor's closet with. But I noticed that she always read People. And then Anna Nicole Smith died. So I asked her if she had heard anything about why she died. And she offered me a twizzler.
Anna Nicole Smith and Barack Obama aren't so far apart as you might think. They both have united a country. Or, at least me with people who don't especially like me.
Yesterday Asperger's and I watched a documentary about these autistic savant twins. Which 1. was awesome. and 2. was very meta.

Also, I was reading a thing about racist jokes that people had heard since the election, and one of them was that the white house was going to replace the rose garden with a watermelon patch. And my first thought was that they were going to do that for purely gardening purposes. Because I just listened to this episode of Fresh Air with the guy who wrote In Defense of Food, and he wrote an open letter to McCain and Obama encouraging whoever would be in the white house next to replace the lawn with like a vegetable garden. Anyway. I am kind of pleased that that was my first assumption.

You can live the life you like

I think because my life is so the opposite of what I would like it to be right now, I have turned to blogs that have nothing to do with anything relevant to my current life.
Here is a secret about me...I live in Brooklyn, but I am not really cut out for urban living. What I want, really, is the American cliche. I want a garden. I want to bake my own bread. I want to eat food made from scratch and not delivered by an Asian dude on a bike. I want to sew clothes for my children and experiment with gluten free diets. I want to live alone...with space and cute decor. I want to become a luddite.
In reality, I live in the largest metropolitan area in the US. I am all but tied to my laptop and my DVR. I shop at Target weekly. I have shootings on my doorstep and dead cockroaches in my hallway. I live in a frat house with three other people who don't talk to me. Sure, I try to insert little bits of my fantasy life into my real life. The recent introduction of the OCM is an example. I try to bake bread, but only succeed in making hard tack. I bake my little heart out...and then in my depression binge eat my product. I shop at the farmer's market. I made my own pesto! Using farmer's market basil! I nearly chopped off my finger when I turned on the chopper while I was using my finger to clean it out. Because I am a moron. But it's not enough, so I take refuge in blogs.
My current favorite is Hillbilly Housewife. But there are others. Basically these blogs have a few things in common. Usually they are written by very Christian women. They always have several children. They homeschool. They live frugally. They sew.
The frugal living is what usually draws me in in the first place because I come across these blogs when I am looking for tips for leaving on the cheap. But I don't know what it is that appeals to me that I keep coming back. I think part of it is that these women seem to have it together in a way that really appeals to me. They are organized enough to home school, keep a clean and organized home (all I want!), bake healthy homemade meals AND blog. I can't even manage to blog on regular basis. They clip coupons and know how to shop for deals. They would never impulse buy a $7 half gallon of Edy's American Idol birthday cake ice cream. They would make their own for 50 cents! They buy things in bulk. They use powdered milk.
And obviously I don't want my life to be like that either. One of the blogs I read, the woman covers her hair and "dresses modestly" because of her religious beliefs. And I'm not sure I could ever get on board with powdered milk. I think I would die if I had to homeschool children....not to mention they would all end up with the personality of Asperger's roommate. But I think extreme opposite of what my life is like now somehow becomes desireable...at least to read about, if not live.

Speaking of creating awkward children, I decided to google Asperger's roommate. My original motivation was because I had heard her talking, like almost normally, with stoner roommate. So I became concerned that she actually she hates me specifically, and that it was because she had found my facebook or my blog. Part of the reason I have felt comfortable writing about them on facebook (i.e. status messages that say "I hate my roommates") and in my blog is because they have all shown so little interest in me that I assumed they would never decide to look me up. But what if?
So first I found Asperger's Xanga (people still keep Xangas?). Where she has some angsty entries and song lyrics that are soooo meaningful. She also has a picture of herself- check it out She's all bright and cheery homecoming queen with beautiful hair. She does NOT look like that now. And she does not look like the face of Asperger's in that picture. She walks with a stompy Asperger's gait, ignores people, has short brown hair, bad skin and in general just slouches around.
And here is my favorite part. When she was in college, she auditioned to be in Playboy. Here is the link to the article. Apparently Playboy came to Arizona State where she went to college.

Claire [redacted], a 20-year-old UA student, said her history with modeling and theater prompted her interest in auditioning for Playboy. "It's a good experience," she said. "It's something you can look back on and say, 'I did that.' It's something to be proud of."

Previous modeling experience? If I didn't know that this is where she had gone to school, I would assume it was just another girl with the same name. Because that is not the girl I live with who shuts herself up in her room for hours a day. What happened to her?

In OCM news - so far I'm a big fan. Obviously in 3 days my face isn't completely clear, but I have noticed some differences. 1: My forehead felt like I had buckshot embedded under the skin, and that has dramtically improved already. Sebum plugs to the surface FTW! I can totally feel them coming up when I do it. 2: For the past several weeks I have probably had at least one new pimple every day, and I haven't had any in the 3 days I've been doing it. 3. My skin had been very oily. I would wash my face around 8 am and by 11 am I was already breaking out the oil blotting papers and I would use two and still feel like my skin was greasy. Since I've been doing OCM my skin has been significantly less oily. I used one blotting paper one day and it wasn't nearly as bad.
I've been doing the OCM at night. Some people in the morning just splash their face with water. The one day I did that was the day that I used the blotting paper. So I have been using a neutrogena cleanser in the morning and a little tea tree oil on the spots that are still there and that keeps my face in good shape all day. Today I made a toner from Apple Cider Vinegar and tea. It's supposed to help reduce red marks. I'll report back.
The downside is that it's definitely a commitment. The whole process takes about 15 minutes because I steam my face to make sure the oil really gets out. But otherwise I am a fan.

So that's it for now. I'm going to go back to my embroidery.

I'm just a courtroom gangsta

Part two of Judge Karen day:

So after meeting with the producers I went to the set to do the actual taping. I had been concerned I was going to get the giggles because the whole experience was so bizarre and hilarious.
Ok, so you know how on court shows they say "The plaintiff is now entering the courtroom" and they play music that's like "duhduh dun dun duuuh". Well, they actually play that as you're walking into the courtroom. Which I did not know and I feel like someone should have said. Because as soon as I opened the door I was seriously like, "are you kidding me?" So I may have what looks like a smirk while I walk in because I was simultaneously stunned and amused.
So then you stand at your mark (see how I use tv lingo there? That's how I do now) for a while and look into a camera. Don't know why. Then I go backstage while Sam enters and then I come back in and then we were sworn in.

I knew from what the producers told me ahead of time that it was clear that I was the good guy and the victim in the case. And when the judge came in it was obvious she had already made up her mind. She began immediately questioning Sam about why he hadn't been more helpful, etc. and accused him of lying.
So you all will see that at my viewing party or my youtube video. There are some good parts though. At one point the judge cracked herself up so much she cried. And then the whole audience gasps when I put the picture of the bedbug up on the screen. So there are some good moments, I hope make it into commercials. Imagine if they air the commercials for my episode during Oprah?!?!

They did not do an after-trial interview by Harvey Levin which kind of bummed me out.

In the car ride home I was talking to the driver, who apparently drives for all of the court shows and for Maury and Montel. I guess it's a lucrative position because he owns a second home in Vermont.
Anyway, this guy has nothing but disdain for pretty much anyone who appears on these shows. I was hoping he could tell me some stories about crazy shit that I am sure that has happened after tapings, but he wasn't very specific. However, he did confirm my suspicions about the teeth. They fix your busted teeth for you! They have some dentist on file and they send you there with your nasty teeth and fix them right up!

The next day I saw Sam while I was on my way to do laundry.
"Hey Joyce!"
I said hey and we joked about the trial. Then he told me I looked tired. I told him that being on the show had really worn me out.
"Oh, please" he said, "You loved it"

How can someone who does not know my name totally have my number?

You would love the limelight too

Well, fans, I know everyone is just dying to hear about my tv debut.

First up: I won! The judge awarded me the cost of the extermination plus partial costs for some of the extra money I had to spend.

All in all the experience was pretty surreal. I had a job interview in Chelsea and they sent a car to pick me up from the interview and take me to the studio (Which in an interesting twist was only a few blocks from my terrible first placement with Mrs. Ruiz...somehow it makes me feel like my life has come full circle).

When I got there a PA whisked me off to "my" green room. Where they had a vanity mirror, a desk, a couch, a little tv and a sink. Another PA got me a sammich and a soda and it seems like I could have asked for pretty much anything.
Not long after I had been in the green room they took me to hair and makeup. Everyone was really nice and I felt pretty comfortable. I could get used to fame. I had to sign a bunch of releases. I checked specifically to see if I could blog about it, and it seemed to be ok. Everything else was pretty standard. I can't be on another court show for 2 more months though, about anything, which I thought was interesting.
After I got my hair and makeup did I went back into the green room. It was the afternoon and there were a lot of court shows on, but I couldn't bring myself to watch them so I settled for law and order, which I only half watched because I was starting to get kind of antsy.
They don't let you sit around for very long and soon I had to go down to the set for a "walk-through", where they tell you how to walk through the door, walk down the aisle and how to use the telestrator, which puts your evidence up on a big screen.
When I went back to the green room I got "Miced" Mic'd? I dunno. Anyway, and I also met with the production team"
Erin, the producer is everything that you would expect in a tv judge show producer. She was intense, talked fast and encouraged me to be as graphic as possible about the bedbugs. She also gave me a picture of an actual bedbug to use as "evidence" although I'm not entirely sure how it's evidence if the production team pulled it off of the internet. I liked her though she kept saying things like "bottom line, he owes you this fuckin' money. He doesn't have a case. So you'll just get out there and fuckin' win"

Anyway, that's it for part one because I need to do some more apartment research. Basically I am having a nervous breakdown right now about finding a job and a place. Where is the secret when you need it???

fuck judge wapner, it's jigga ya hear? y'all niggas in violation of the play hatin code section 1001 - JayZ

Ok, So The People's Court never called us back.
But when the Secret closes a door, a window is opened and today I was contacted by the Judge Karen show.
This is a new show starting this fall.
I will be going to court on the 24th with bff Steph in tow and friends in the audience.
And I guess my episode will air in the fall!

Oh also, here is what the producer asked me:
Correct spelling of my name
Birthday
Race
Correct address
And
If I had any cracked, missing or gold teeth.

$15 and a dream: proud to be an American

I went down to the courthouse yesterday to pick up some forms to fill out so I could file a complaint against my landlord for not reimbursing me for bedbug costs.
I ended up suing him.
Who knew it was so easy? Not me. I didn't even take any of my receipts or paperwork because I figured I would have a bunch of papers to fill out and I would rather do it at home. But when I went to get info about they said I had to file a small claims suit. So I went to get the paperwork for that. Anyway, it's just one form where you just say what you're suing for, you pay your $15 and then that's it. My court date is June 25th.
I ended up adding other bedbug-related costs to the lawsuit. I just wanted him to reimburse me for the cost of the extermination which was a little over $400. But if I'm gonna file a lawsuit I figure I'd go all out. I had to buy a new bed, new pillows, the expensive mattress cover etc. So I put all that in too.
So that was yesterday AND I joined the Y. It was a pretty busy day which is why I justified sleeping...baaassically until 2 o'clock today.
Actually the sleeping too much is a little out of control, as it usually is, but it's making me too lethargic so I'm trying to snap out of it. Unfortunately, I have the self-control of an infant....but I'll try anyway.
I need a craft project for unemployment times. I've been reading a lot though. Currently I am reading a book about traumatic brain injury, which is interesting but I don't recommend because I am concerned that I and everyone I love will get brain injured and pretty much be screwed forever. I'm going to start encouraging people to wear a helmet while driving. And also while walking. And also while at home. Most accidents happen in the home. Stay safe. Keep your brain happy.