I should be exercising or working on finals. Thus. Blog.
My position on my future changes daily, as people know. After the roach incident I was really feeling at peace about moving to Portland. Then my mom told me that if the only reason I would go back to Oregon is because of money, that she and my dad would be willing to help me out until I get a job. Goddamn my loving parents and their generosity! So then I got all confused again. Would I move back to Oregon just for money reasons? I do not know. There is a lot of stuff I miss there. There is stuff I would miss here if I left. And then I was thinking, I am 25, I have like 60 more years to live in Oregon if I want to. I can always move back there, but if I live New York I will probably never move back. Today's plan is to stay for at least 6 more months and just experience it. Check back next week for my new plan.
Oh, another reason i would stay, is because I feel like if I leave New York, then it means that New York won. Which is stupid. In the battle between yourself and New York City, always bet on the city, it'll kick your ass every time.
Things are winding down with school and with my placement. I have been tangling with my supervisor a little bit, and we had it out on Thursday. It actually ended up being a good discussion. She had done my semester eval and I felt like it was unfair and not reflective of how the whole year had been. So we talked about it. And our discussion led to a talk about the way I interact with people. Even if you don't know me and you just read my blog you probably have figured out I have some troubles with authority figures. I am super critical, I don't like to be told what to do and the consensus from all of my supervisors in graduate school has been that I am arrogant. In talking with my current supervisor about this, I said, "This may surprise you, but I've actually always been this way" She laughed. Apparently it wasn't a big surprise. I told her about in 5th grade how I got sent to principal every day for a week for talking back to my French teacher. Turns out he's a child molester. True story. And that's why I will never regret being this way. I told S. that. I said, I can appreciate the feedback, but my general insubordination is actually something I never intend to change about myself. There are a million other things I would love to change. But not that. I never want to mindlessly take direction. I never want to respect people simply because they are in a position of authority and have done nothing to earn my respect. I never want to keep my mouth shut. But I wouldn't mind learning how to be more diplomatic about it.
I tend to forget that I am like this with all authority figures. I will blame it on S. because she has ridiculous standards and is too inflexible. Or on Camille because she was crazy. Or on my asshole supervisor in Eugene because he was an asshole. Or Monsieur Mike for being a child molester. Or Mr. DiPaolo my high school religion teacher because he is an idiot for not believing in birth control. And on and on. And then I start to realize, that it's really just everyone in authority ever.
I just found an old supervisor from a job I had at Scripps. I had forgotten about my insubordination problems with her. By the time I graduated she and I were actually ok, but we had a rough start. I don't even remember what the deal was. I got written up for a negative attitude one time, which was funny. I talked too much to other people during work, because I was funny and they loved it! I wouldn't follow the script (this was a job making fundraising calls. we had a script that I thought was awkward). I was terrible at getting people to increase their donations. A business woman I am not. Anyway, point being, is that I am not who you would want to choose to supervise. I don't ever want to change having a critical mind and being honest about it, but I wouldn't mind learning how to be a little bit easier to work with.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
vermin
The exterminator came to the apartment yesterday.
The exterminator came to exterminate for bed bugs.
We have bed bugs.
Or, more accurately, I have bed bugs. They have not yet struck Abby, and God-willing, they never will. Although, from what I read on the internet, it sounds like I will be battling bed bugs for the rest of my life.
A few weeks ago I noticed some welts. I decided I was having an allergic reaction to something and dismissed them. Then a couple weeks later I got them again. I know that NYC has a bed bug epidemic. And news sources reassure me that it is not because I am filthy, but still, I was in complete denial that they were a possibility. Ok, not complete denial. I looked on the internet for how you detect bed bugs. I checked my mattress, noticed no signs, and called it good. Until Tuesday night when I was sitting in bed, felt something on me and found a bed bug. Tuesday night didn't provide a lot of rest.
Wednesday night wasn't a lot better. I slept on the couch. I had torn apart my room looking for more evidence and had found in my box spring a nauseatingly clear sign that yes, I did have bed bugs. I threw out the box spring. You're actually not supposed to do this. You're supposed to wrap it up if you throw it out so the infestation doesn't spread. And you're supposed to label it so that some schmuck from the projects across the street doesn't take it and spread bed bugs to the entire complex. I did neither, and on Thursday the box spring was gone. Oh well.
Wednesday I also called the land lord, who refused to pay for extermination. "Your bed, your problem" he said. We couldn't get an exterminator to come on Thursday, so I spent Thursday night on the couch too. another rough night. Every tickle. Every itch was cause for a bed bug inspection. And when you have bed bugs, you get phantom itches a lot.
Friday morning the exterminator came to give an estimate. $600. Which Abby says she does not feel like she needs to pay half of, since they are in my room. I spend a few minutes having a nervous breakdown in my room. Decide that I will just go get bed bug spray and do it myself. Even though every website I read said to just get it professionally done and get it over with. I come out of my room to send the exterminator on his way.
"Well, I can negotiate", he says. After some back-and-forth and some language barrier problems, I talk him down to $400. I leave for the day so he can do his thing.
While I am out I go to Bed Bath and Beyond to get a mattress cover that protects against bed bugs. And also new pillows because I threw mine out. And while I was at it, pillow protectors too. This all came to about $130. I had also spent $50 on cleaning supplies earlier, to do a full on scrub of the house.
I came back in the evening to a sprayed house. The chemical burn in my throat made me feel confident that maybe, just maybe, this will turn out ok. I went to the laundromat to wash my linens on HOT and to dry some of my clothes, also on HOT. supposedly this kills the bed bugs.
I put sheets back on my bed, cleaned my room and went to sleep in my bed. A long, comfortable sleep. A hopeful sleep that I may be safe from bed bugs for awhile.
It is now 3 am on Saturday night/Sunday morning. About a half hour ago I woke up to go to the bathroom and get some water. I came back into bed. I get in bed and the cats are nosing around acting all weird in a way that usually makes me concerned that Linus has a mouse (which was another terrible, sleepless, vermin filled night several months ago). But in this case, I am worried they have seen a bed bug. Linus starts to nose under the covers and then under me. So I get up. I kneel on my mattress looking for any signs of "the animal", which is what the exterminator kept calling it. I feel a poke on my lower back, under my shirt. I freeze and then slowly reach back, knowing that I will find a bed bug there. But I didn't! No bed bug!
No.
Oh no.
It was one of the largest roaches I have ever seen. On me. Biting me. Under my shirt.
I just shuddered writing about it. So imagine my horror.
I'm back on the couch. Itchy all over. Anticipating yet another sleepless night filled with the 5 am news and history channel specials about stone henge. And job searches in Portland.
Moving back to Oregon was always a consideration. New York is too expensive to be livable beyond your 20s, when it's ok to eat mac and cheese 3 times a week. Then I thought maybe I would stay another year. Then I thought about getting a job and how it could take a long time and how I don't have the money to live here very long with no job. So then moving back to oregon and staying with my parents while I look for a job seemed like a more practical idea.
With every bug I find on my person, moving to Portland just seems better every time.
I pay $750 for my apartment. It is about 900 sq ft. tall ceilings. Lots of space. Big windows. I share with a roommate. Hardwood floors which are impossible to clean. Across the street from some projects. there was a shooting at the funeral home across the street on thursday. I have to walk down to the laundromat, which just increased their prices. $750 includes no utilities.
A quick craiglist search finds me an apartment in Portland for $700. 2 bedroom 2 bath. Washer and dryer in the apartment. Carpeting. Parking. And a back yard.
I applied for a job at a hospital in Portland. I think I'll apply for some more tomorrow.
Meanwhile I am going to take a shower and get back to bed on my lovely couch.
The exterminator came to exterminate for bed bugs.
We have bed bugs.
Or, more accurately, I have bed bugs. They have not yet struck Abby, and God-willing, they never will. Although, from what I read on the internet, it sounds like I will be battling bed bugs for the rest of my life.
A few weeks ago I noticed some welts. I decided I was having an allergic reaction to something and dismissed them. Then a couple weeks later I got them again. I know that NYC has a bed bug epidemic. And news sources reassure me that it is not because I am filthy, but still, I was in complete denial that they were a possibility. Ok, not complete denial. I looked on the internet for how you detect bed bugs. I checked my mattress, noticed no signs, and called it good. Until Tuesday night when I was sitting in bed, felt something on me and found a bed bug. Tuesday night didn't provide a lot of rest.
Wednesday night wasn't a lot better. I slept on the couch. I had torn apart my room looking for more evidence and had found in my box spring a nauseatingly clear sign that yes, I did have bed bugs. I threw out the box spring. You're actually not supposed to do this. You're supposed to wrap it up if you throw it out so the infestation doesn't spread. And you're supposed to label it so that some schmuck from the projects across the street doesn't take it and spread bed bugs to the entire complex. I did neither, and on Thursday the box spring was gone. Oh well.
Wednesday I also called the land lord, who refused to pay for extermination. "Your bed, your problem" he said. We couldn't get an exterminator to come on Thursday, so I spent Thursday night on the couch too. another rough night. Every tickle. Every itch was cause for a bed bug inspection. And when you have bed bugs, you get phantom itches a lot.
Friday morning the exterminator came to give an estimate. $600. Which Abby says she does not feel like she needs to pay half of, since they are in my room. I spend a few minutes having a nervous breakdown in my room. Decide that I will just go get bed bug spray and do it myself. Even though every website I read said to just get it professionally done and get it over with. I come out of my room to send the exterminator on his way.
"Well, I can negotiate", he says. After some back-and-forth and some language barrier problems, I talk him down to $400. I leave for the day so he can do his thing.
While I am out I go to Bed Bath and Beyond to get a mattress cover that protects against bed bugs. And also new pillows because I threw mine out. And while I was at it, pillow protectors too. This all came to about $130. I had also spent $50 on cleaning supplies earlier, to do a full on scrub of the house.
I came back in the evening to a sprayed house. The chemical burn in my throat made me feel confident that maybe, just maybe, this will turn out ok. I went to the laundromat to wash my linens on HOT and to dry some of my clothes, also on HOT. supposedly this kills the bed bugs.
I put sheets back on my bed, cleaned my room and went to sleep in my bed. A long, comfortable sleep. A hopeful sleep that I may be safe from bed bugs for awhile.
It is now 3 am on Saturday night/Sunday morning. About a half hour ago I woke up to go to the bathroom and get some water. I came back into bed. I get in bed and the cats are nosing around acting all weird in a way that usually makes me concerned that Linus has a mouse (which was another terrible, sleepless, vermin filled night several months ago). But in this case, I am worried they have seen a bed bug. Linus starts to nose under the covers and then under me. So I get up. I kneel on my mattress looking for any signs of "the animal", which is what the exterminator kept calling it. I feel a poke on my lower back, under my shirt. I freeze and then slowly reach back, knowing that I will find a bed bug there. But I didn't! No bed bug!
No.
Oh no.
It was one of the largest roaches I have ever seen. On me. Biting me. Under my shirt.
I just shuddered writing about it. So imagine my horror.
I'm back on the couch. Itchy all over. Anticipating yet another sleepless night filled with the 5 am news and history channel specials about stone henge. And job searches in Portland.
Moving back to Oregon was always a consideration. New York is too expensive to be livable beyond your 20s, when it's ok to eat mac and cheese 3 times a week. Then I thought maybe I would stay another year. Then I thought about getting a job and how it could take a long time and how I don't have the money to live here very long with no job. So then moving back to oregon and staying with my parents while I look for a job seemed like a more practical idea.
With every bug I find on my person, moving to Portland just seems better every time.
I pay $750 for my apartment. It is about 900 sq ft. tall ceilings. Lots of space. Big windows. I share with a roommate. Hardwood floors which are impossible to clean. Across the street from some projects. there was a shooting at the funeral home across the street on thursday. I have to walk down to the laundromat, which just increased their prices. $750 includes no utilities.
A quick craiglist search finds me an apartment in Portland for $700. 2 bedroom 2 bath. Washer and dryer in the apartment. Carpeting. Parking. And a back yard.
I applied for a job at a hospital in Portland. I think I'll apply for some more tomorrow.
Meanwhile I am going to take a shower and get back to bed on my lovely couch.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
if you're in the mood for a good cry
This is an artist who took pictures of people while they were alive and right after they died. It has little stories about them. I cried for about 15 minutes about it.
Life Before Death
Life Before Death
sleep never comes to you, it's the guilt and forever wakefulness of the weak
I cannot sleep because I accidentally took a nap at 7. So I am going to take the opportunity to recommend the following blogs.
What Claudia Wore
Sidewalk Psychiatry.
I will also cut and paste an im conversation I just had with my sister:
Me: I need to go to sleep soon.
Ashley: Take some nyquil
Me: I don't have any.
Ashley: Think of unicorns!
Me: That's what mom used to tell me!
Did she tell you that too??
Ashley: When I had nightmares.
Me: Rainbows and Unicorns
Ashley: Unicorns and Rainbows. (At the same time)
Me: hahaha
Ashley: hahaha
Ashley: Oh mom
Me: I did not know she told you that, too.
Ashley: Apparently that was her stock answer.
Me: Way to individualize mom.
I also leave you with this question: Why don't I think of awesome blogs like an analysis of the fashions of the babysitter's club.
Fun Fact: Claudia kept stashes of candy all over her room. Stacey was diabetic. Claudia to Stacey: Fuck you.
What Claudia Wore
Sidewalk Psychiatry.
I will also cut and paste an im conversation I just had with my sister:
Me: I need to go to sleep soon.
Ashley: Take some nyquil
Me: I don't have any.
Ashley: Think of unicorns!
Me: That's what mom used to tell me!
Did she tell you that too??
Ashley: When I had nightmares.
Me: Rainbows and Unicorns
Ashley: Unicorns and Rainbows. (At the same time)
Me: hahaha
Ashley: hahaha
Ashley: Oh mom
Me: I did not know she told you that, too.
Ashley: Apparently that was her stock answer.
Me: Way to individualize mom.
I also leave you with this question: Why don't I think of awesome blogs like an analysis of the fashions of the babysitter's club.
Fun Fact: Claudia kept stashes of candy all over her room. Stacey was diabetic. Claudia to Stacey: Fuck you.
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