if all these years of searching find one sympathetic face, it's there i'll plant these seeds and make my home

I should be exercising or working on finals. Thus. Blog.

My position on my future changes daily, as people know. After the roach incident I was really feeling at peace about moving to Portland. Then my mom told me that if the only reason I would go back to Oregon is because of money, that she and my dad would be willing to help me out until I get a job. Goddamn my loving parents and their generosity! So then I got all confused again. Would I move back to Oregon just for money reasons? I do not know. There is a lot of stuff I miss there. There is stuff I would miss here if I left. And then I was thinking, I am 25, I have like 60 more years to live in Oregon if I want to. I can always move back there, but if I live New York I will probably never move back. Today's plan is to stay for at least 6 more months and just experience it. Check back next week for my new plan.
Oh, another reason i would stay, is because I feel like if I leave New York, then it means that New York won. Which is stupid. In the battle between yourself and New York City, always bet on the city, it'll kick your ass every time.

Things are winding down with school and with my placement. I have been tangling with my supervisor a little bit, and we had it out on Thursday. It actually ended up being a good discussion. She had done my semester eval and I felt like it was unfair and not reflective of how the whole year had been. So we talked about it. And our discussion led to a talk about the way I interact with people. Even if you don't know me and you just read my blog you probably have figured out I have some troubles with authority figures. I am super critical, I don't like to be told what to do and the consensus from all of my supervisors in graduate school has been that I am arrogant. In talking with my current supervisor about this, I said, "This may surprise you, but I've actually always been this way" She laughed. Apparently it wasn't a big surprise. I told her about in 5th grade how I got sent to principal every day for a week for talking back to my French teacher. Turns out he's a child molester. True story. And that's why I will never regret being this way. I told S. that. I said, I can appreciate the feedback, but my general insubordination is actually something I never intend to change about myself. There are a million other things I would love to change. But not that. I never want to mindlessly take direction. I never want to respect people simply because they are in a position of authority and have done nothing to earn my respect. I never want to keep my mouth shut. But I wouldn't mind learning how to be more diplomatic about it.
I tend to forget that I am like this with all authority figures. I will blame it on S. because she has ridiculous standards and is too inflexible. Or on Camille because she was crazy. Or on my asshole supervisor in Eugene because he was an asshole. Or Monsieur Mike for being a child molester. Or Mr. DiPaolo my high school religion teacher because he is an idiot for not believing in birth control. And on and on. And then I start to realize, that it's really just everyone in authority ever.
I just found an old supervisor from a job I had at Scripps. I had forgotten about my insubordination problems with her. By the time I graduated she and I were actually ok, but we had a rough start. I don't even remember what the deal was. I got written up for a negative attitude one time, which was funny. I talked too much to other people during work, because I was funny and they loved it! I wouldn't follow the script (this was a job making fundraising calls. we had a script that I thought was awkward). I was terrible at getting people to increase their donations. A business woman I am not. Anyway, point being, is that I am not who you would want to choose to supervise. I don't ever want to change having a critical mind and being honest about it, but I wouldn't mind learning how to be a little bit easier to work with.