Who Wants to Be a Millanaire!

I am auditioning for Who Wants to Be a Millionaire on the 17th.  I have to fill out an application beforehand.

These are the questions:

. Quirks, rituals, superstitions…What makes you unique?

2. How would winning $1 million change your life?

3. What is one thing you do that makes people laugh?

4. If you could nominate yourself as best-_____ or “most likely to_____,” what would be your vote?

5. What do you do for fun?

6. You’d never believe it but I once…

7. Why do you want to be on Millionaire?  

Any input as to what I could put to make me stand out?

all you wanna do is something good

I often wish I was more creative/talented/dedicated to working on the creative talents I do have. So periodically I will see something that really stirs that up in me.
Recently it has been Lucy Kinsley that link is to her LJ/comic journal which makes me 1. wish I blogged more often. 2. had more to blog about. 3. could blog using comics which are expressive in a different way and 4. make me wish i could draw at all.
She also writes about her cat and it makes me laugh. Here are two of my favorites.

Also, who hasn't felt like all they are capable of doing is this:

That is basically all I have felt capable of doing since we got back from Hawaii on Friday (awesome, as predicted. not a lot to say about it, it was great all around). I am not sure if it's jet lag or just general malaise at being back or the gloomy NYC weather or my stupid job. Who knows. But mostly I just want to lay on the floor and snuff the cats.

I got Brooklyn blowing up

So my friend Ed does a show every Monday night in the back room at Union Pool in Williamsburg. After an evening of many drinks he invited me to share the stage with his band for a short stand-up bit. Since I was like 20 people have often told me I should do stand up...so if this goes well I may try an open mic night somewhere.
Anyway. Monday. March 30th. Union Pool. Sometime between 8 and 9...Ed says we should "feel out the crowd" to determine when the best time for me to go on is.

Update: My mom says I used to talk about doing standup when I was little, which I don't remember. I also wrote in an "about me" book in 3rd grade that I wanted to write about myself and my life when I grew up. It's nice to stick to one's goals.

I used to be Team Jack...

But now I'm totes Team Sawyer.



They ain't my people, hoss.


Also, this is my 100th post on blogger.

why doesn't anyone i know watch Lost?

Cuz man is it good this season. I think the best since the 1st season. Maybe I should start perusing the message boards or something.

A Horrible Warning is the premiere destination for all your vices

So, as you know, every once in a while I like to see what people are searching when they come to my blog. In the past I have been THE place for pictures of Robin Weigert as Calamity Jane, as my blog is the first link in google pictures. Also, when people are concerned about warnings around amish friendship bread, google likes to refer them over here.
But recently, google searches leading to my blog have gotten notably more lurid.
The other day, a poor speller from Staten Island was interested in "laundry atiction". What is THEIR laundry addiction, I wonder? And was my blog helpful?
In Japan, someone was referred here due to their curiosity regarding, "why teenager take picture of lady underwear at escalator". We love to write about that here at A Horrible Warning.
Anf finally someone googled, "Went home from bar, had sex" and was led directly to my post about going home from the bar with someone and having sex, which is why google is so amazing.

In updated news, it turns out that I LOVE octuplet mom, what a personality disordered nutcase! I can't handle how much crazier and crazier she is turning out to be!

because I know everyone was wondering...

So, I do love the Duggars and their insane number of kids...I do not love crazy Octuplet mom. This is for a variety of reasons. One being that the Duggars can support their children and Octuplet mom can't. The second being that, while I do not agree with their beliefs, the Duggars believe they are doing this because it is what God wants them to do and I can respect that...crazy Octuplet mom just wanted "one more girl" and is selfish. Also, the Duggars have at least a little breathing room between their infants. Sure 8 kids under 10 is unreasonable...8 kids in infancy is fucked up. Finally, I think J'Michelle Duggar is a saint, and Octuplet mom sounds a little white trashy to me.

the good news

Frank told me today that he is moving out because he got a job in D.C. He will be out by Feb 1 at the latest. For me, this means:
A complete elimination of snapping, clapping and laughing excessively at tv shows.
A 50% reduction in smoking inside.
A 50% reduction of poop stains in my toilet.
A 25% reduction in dirty dishes left in the sink for an excessive amount of time.
A complete elimination of football and ESPN watching.
A 25% increase in household cleanliness.
A complete elimination of my-milk-drinking.
A 25% reduction in awkward common area silences.
A complete elimination of loud nose blowing.
A 50% reduction in smoker's cough.

And, unfortunately, a 25% reduction in blog material.



I am going to head the steering committee on finding a roommate that I actually like. I am pretty sure that Asperger's and Stoner don't give a shit.

Hopefully this will work towards alleviating my crushing depression.

In other news, my episode of Judge Karen re-ran on Thursday. So my parents and my sister finally got to see it. Unfortunately, my friend Alex in Eugene who was the only person I knew for sure could figure out how to put it on the internets drunked out and forgot to DVR it. He did write me an email saying he was sorry...but that doesn't bring Judge Karen back, does it Alex?!?! Anyway, that's the sad news for those of you to whom I keep making empty promises of an internet showing. My mom thinks she may be able to do it...we'll see.
ALSO someone came to my blog after googling "judge karen bedbugs". How awesome is that? They saw my episode and were curious to learn more about this case. Fortunately for them my blog is a wealth of material on both bedbugs AND Judge Karen. I'm on my way to the big time, friends.

You can live the life you like

I think because my life is so the opposite of what I would like it to be right now, I have turned to blogs that have nothing to do with anything relevant to my current life.
Here is a secret about me...I live in Brooklyn, but I am not really cut out for urban living. What I want, really, is the American cliche. I want a garden. I want to bake my own bread. I want to eat food made from scratch and not delivered by an Asian dude on a bike. I want to sew clothes for my children and experiment with gluten free diets. I want to live alone...with space and cute decor. I want to become a luddite.
In reality, I live in the largest metropolitan area in the US. I am all but tied to my laptop and my DVR. I shop at Target weekly. I have shootings on my doorstep and dead cockroaches in my hallway. I live in a frat house with three other people who don't talk to me. Sure, I try to insert little bits of my fantasy life into my real life. The recent introduction of the OCM is an example. I try to bake bread, but only succeed in making hard tack. I bake my little heart out...and then in my depression binge eat my product. I shop at the farmer's market. I made my own pesto! Using farmer's market basil! I nearly chopped off my finger when I turned on the chopper while I was using my finger to clean it out. Because I am a moron. But it's not enough, so I take refuge in blogs.
My current favorite is Hillbilly Housewife. But there are others. Basically these blogs have a few things in common. Usually they are written by very Christian women. They always have several children. They homeschool. They live frugally. They sew.
The frugal living is what usually draws me in in the first place because I come across these blogs when I am looking for tips for leaving on the cheap. But I don't know what it is that appeals to me that I keep coming back. I think part of it is that these women seem to have it together in a way that really appeals to me. They are organized enough to home school, keep a clean and organized home (all I want!), bake healthy homemade meals AND blog. I can't even manage to blog on regular basis. They clip coupons and know how to shop for deals. They would never impulse buy a $7 half gallon of Edy's American Idol birthday cake ice cream. They would make their own for 50 cents! They buy things in bulk. They use powdered milk.
And obviously I don't want my life to be like that either. One of the blogs I read, the woman covers her hair and "dresses modestly" because of her religious beliefs. And I'm not sure I could ever get on board with powdered milk. I think I would die if I had to homeschool children....not to mention they would all end up with the personality of Asperger's roommate. But I think extreme opposite of what my life is like now somehow becomes desireable...at least to read about, if not live.

Speaking of creating awkward children, I decided to google Asperger's roommate. My original motivation was because I had heard her talking, like almost normally, with stoner roommate. So I became concerned that she actually she hates me specifically, and that it was because she had found my facebook or my blog. Part of the reason I have felt comfortable writing about them on facebook (i.e. status messages that say "I hate my roommates") and in my blog is because they have all shown so little interest in me that I assumed they would never decide to look me up. But what if?
So first I found Asperger's Xanga (people still keep Xangas?). Where she has some angsty entries and song lyrics that are soooo meaningful. She also has a picture of herself- check it out She's all bright and cheery homecoming queen with beautiful hair. She does NOT look like that now. And she does not look like the face of Asperger's in that picture. She walks with a stompy Asperger's gait, ignores people, has short brown hair, bad skin and in general just slouches around.
And here is my favorite part. When she was in college, she auditioned to be in Playboy. Here is the link to the article. Apparently Playboy came to Arizona State where she went to college.

Claire [redacted], a 20-year-old UA student, said her history with modeling and theater prompted her interest in auditioning for Playboy. "It's a good experience," she said. "It's something you can look back on and say, 'I did that.' It's something to be proud of."

Previous modeling experience? If I didn't know that this is where she had gone to school, I would assume it was just another girl with the same name. Because that is not the girl I live with who shuts herself up in her room for hours a day. What happened to her?

In OCM news - so far I'm a big fan. Obviously in 3 days my face isn't completely clear, but I have noticed some differences. 1: My forehead felt like I had buckshot embedded under the skin, and that has dramtically improved already. Sebum plugs to the surface FTW! I can totally feel them coming up when I do it. 2: For the past several weeks I have probably had at least one new pimple every day, and I haven't had any in the 3 days I've been doing it. 3. My skin had been very oily. I would wash my face around 8 am and by 11 am I was already breaking out the oil blotting papers and I would use two and still feel like my skin was greasy. Since I've been doing OCM my skin has been significantly less oily. I used one blotting paper one day and it wasn't nearly as bad.
I've been doing the OCM at night. Some people in the morning just splash their face with water. The one day I did that was the day that I used the blotting paper. So I have been using a neutrogena cleanser in the morning and a little tea tree oil on the spots that are still there and that keeps my face in good shape all day. Today I made a toner from Apple Cider Vinegar and tea. It's supposed to help reduce red marks. I'll report back.
The downside is that it's definitely a commitment. The whole process takes about 15 minutes because I steam my face to make sure the oil really gets out. But otherwise I am a fan.

So that's it for now. I'm going to go back to my embroidery.

My regime? The regime from which the radicals are trying to get free?

Throughout my adolescence I had pretty decent skin with not a lot of problems...maybe a breakout around the lady time, but not too much else.
Then, on the day of graduation when we had the all-night party that they always have I started to feel a huge cystic pimple on my chin. That single cystic pimple marked the beginning of the end of my manageable skin and that summer I developed the first of many bouts with acne and went on acne medication for the first time.
The skin issues come and go depending on hormones, weather, stress, diet, etc. Currently, I am in the middle of a bad spell with the skin. Not the worst it's ever been, but enough to make me feel pretty gross.
To make it worse I was sick last week - that, combined with the stress of the new job and lame living situation, has caused me to break out in herp of the mouth.
Once, when I was 8 and my sister was 6 we went to Papa's Pizza (the place to see and be seen on a Friday night for elementary schoolers in Eugene, Oregon in 1990). We ran into a kid from my sister's class, Andy. He is actually like some physics genius now, but unfortunately I don't remember his last name. This is because, on that Friday night in 1990 when we ran into him in the play room at Papa's, he had apparently finished his pizza dinner and neglected to thoroughly wipe his mouth. He had pizza sauce smeared at the corner of his mouth. My sister and I ran around and called him Andy Pizza Face....and not just for that night. Oh no. Recently my sister sent me a link to something about some crazy science thing he had done at Harvard. "Oh look!" We exclaimed. "Andy Pizza Face is up for a nobel prize!"
My herp of the mouth makes me look like Andy Pizza Face. But without the credentials.
So in my neverending quest to find a solution for my skin, I am now trying the Oil Cleansing Method.
Check out the link if you wanna, but this is basically it: Wash your face with oil.
People swear by it. People who say they have never had any luck with anything else claim this solved everything.
Here's the downside, apparently your skin goes through a "purging process" as it gets rid of all this shit that has built up, so it gets worse before it gets better. I'm not really looking forward to this. And there is no way of knowing really if it's purging and will get better, or if you have just fated yourself to Edward James Olmos territory.
So, today was day 1. I made my little mixture. Steamed my face. Washed it off. Followed up with some Tea tree oil on the existing problems.
My favorite part is that you are supposed to think relaxing and positive thoughts about your skin getting clear. The Secret + OCM!.
I also really like that it's natural because every once in awhile I get all hippie and decide I need to put less toxins in my body.
My second favorite part is that you are supposed to massage it in until you feel little granules, which are sebum plugs coming to the surface. It's so nasty, I love it.
Anyway, I am willing to give it a month and we'll see. One thing I read said several months, but fuck that, I would rather go to the dermatologist and have them look at me disapprovingly while admonishing me for being a skin picker.
In the meantime, I will take solace in the fact that at least for the next month, every day, I will get to be conscious of sebum plugs. Assuming I don't get bored of the whole thing, which is kind of a process and likely to become tiresome.

TV endorses all of your vices

So even if you have just perused my blog because you stumbled upon it when you googled "vermin extermination guilt" or "can mouse poop fumes make you sick" you know that there are pretty much two things at my core:
1. A love of delicious desserts.
2. A love of television.

But last night as I was watching TV and eating a bowl of ice cream, I saw the following two commercials run back to back:



A commercial letting you know that High Fructose Corn Syrup is ok! And then! A commercial encouraging you to stay at home and watch TV during ABC's week of premieres.

Even I think that's ridiculous.

I wish that these commercials followed:
One of those "get out and play" ads
Wilford Brimley talks about the 'beetus
a commercial endorsing the rape of babies
and then finally a "the more you know" ad about protecting children

Productivity

I really want to go to the gym. I really do. But there is a Kids By The Dozen marathon on TLC. I was going to go after this last episode, BUT the episode that's on right now is about a family that named their kids Fiddler on the Roof names and they converted to Amish...they call it Plain. Loves it!

Small Pleasures.

So I am in a training today, which basically everyone has said is pointless, but is an agency mandate. <3 pointless beauraucratic tasks.
I had this training all day yesterday too, but my internet was blocked. Today, it's available. It's small things like that that keep me going. So here is a list of other small things that I enjoy.

Filling up my weekly pill container:
Until my school insurance ran out and I had to quit taking my antidepressants, I took a lot of medication daily...this has been for the past decade. I still take a fair amount because I love vitamins. So every week I fill up my weekly pill thing and it gives me an immense amount of joy. I like the organization of it. I like the consistency of the routine. I like taking pills out of big jars and putting them into small containers. I can't wait until I am old and I have one of those huge ones that has compartments for morning, noon and evening.

Vitamins:
I am a complete sucker for herbal remedies. I am the reason that those companies make so much money. I love to research ailments on the internet, find the appropriate herbal/vitamin cure, spending $10 on 30 pills and waiting for miracles to occur. Many of these don't last for whatever reason - the pills are too big, I forget about them, I decide that my ailment is cured (as in the case of my elevated liver functions, for which I took Milk Thistle for 2 weeks and then returned to normal liver functioning). I particularly love when the come in gummy or delicious varieties, which leads me to:

Vitamin B12 sublinguals:
I cannot emphasize how much I love these. I am taking gummy ones right now and they are an unsatisfactory replacement. When I have the sublinguals, I look forward to my twice daily B12 dose. So delicious. Buy them. Also, it's almost fall, while you're in the vitamin section, buy the Vitamin C gummies that are shaped like orange slices.

When The Subway Comes Right As I Get On The Platform:
Self explanatory. I don't have to run. I don't have to wait. It makes me feel like it will be a good day.

Making New Star Charts
I use star charts to track goals. Sometimes I achieve the goals, sometimes I don't. But a new star chart is just filled with possibility.

That's all I can think of for now.