all you wanna do is something good

I often wish I was more creative/talented/dedicated to working on the creative talents I do have. So periodically I will see something that really stirs that up in me.
Recently it has been Lucy Kinsley that link is to her LJ/comic journal which makes me 1. wish I blogged more often. 2. had more to blog about. 3. could blog using comics which are expressive in a different way and 4. make me wish i could draw at all.
She also writes about her cat and it makes me laugh. Here are two of my favorites.

Also, who hasn't felt like all they are capable of doing is this:

That is basically all I have felt capable of doing since we got back from Hawaii on Friday (awesome, as predicted. not a lot to say about it, it was great all around). I am not sure if it's jet lag or just general malaise at being back or the gloomy NYC weather or my stupid job. Who knows. But mostly I just want to lay on the floor and snuff the cats.

Why I take birth control even though my insurance doesn't cover the kind I like, by Caitlin

This Blog.

My fame is unending

I am the comment of the day on Postcards From Yo Momma!

They're usually up for a couple days but in case it's gone, the postcard said was:
I understand how easy it is to get hooked on daytime TV talk shows. This past summer my best friends were the ladies on the view and I finally realized they were not really that interesting most of the time. I was only watching to see what they wore. I also watched the beginning of Ellen on occasion so I would have someone to dance with. Pitiful right? So I went “cold turkey” and found other interests.

And my comment said:
My mom's best friends are the Good Morning America team.

You can live the life you like

I think because my life is so the opposite of what I would like it to be right now, I have turned to blogs that have nothing to do with anything relevant to my current life.
Here is a secret about me...I live in Brooklyn, but I am not really cut out for urban living. What I want, really, is the American cliche. I want a garden. I want to bake my own bread. I want to eat food made from scratch and not delivered by an Asian dude on a bike. I want to sew clothes for my children and experiment with gluten free diets. I want to live alone...with space and cute decor. I want to become a luddite.
In reality, I live in the largest metropolitan area in the US. I am all but tied to my laptop and my DVR. I shop at Target weekly. I have shootings on my doorstep and dead cockroaches in my hallway. I live in a frat house with three other people who don't talk to me. Sure, I try to insert little bits of my fantasy life into my real life. The recent introduction of the OCM is an example. I try to bake bread, but only succeed in making hard tack. I bake my little heart out...and then in my depression binge eat my product. I shop at the farmer's market. I made my own pesto! Using farmer's market basil! I nearly chopped off my finger when I turned on the chopper while I was using my finger to clean it out. Because I am a moron. But it's not enough, so I take refuge in blogs.
My current favorite is Hillbilly Housewife. But there are others. Basically these blogs have a few things in common. Usually they are written by very Christian women. They always have several children. They homeschool. They live frugally. They sew.
The frugal living is what usually draws me in in the first place because I come across these blogs when I am looking for tips for leaving on the cheap. But I don't know what it is that appeals to me that I keep coming back. I think part of it is that these women seem to have it together in a way that really appeals to me. They are organized enough to home school, keep a clean and organized home (all I want!), bake healthy homemade meals AND blog. I can't even manage to blog on regular basis. They clip coupons and know how to shop for deals. They would never impulse buy a $7 half gallon of Edy's American Idol birthday cake ice cream. They would make their own for 50 cents! They buy things in bulk. They use powdered milk.
And obviously I don't want my life to be like that either. One of the blogs I read, the woman covers her hair and "dresses modestly" because of her religious beliefs. And I'm not sure I could ever get on board with powdered milk. I think I would die if I had to homeschool children....not to mention they would all end up with the personality of Asperger's roommate. But I think extreme opposite of what my life is like now somehow becomes desireable...at least to read about, if not live.

Speaking of creating awkward children, I decided to google Asperger's roommate. My original motivation was because I had heard her talking, like almost normally, with stoner roommate. So I became concerned that she actually she hates me specifically, and that it was because she had found my facebook or my blog. Part of the reason I have felt comfortable writing about them on facebook (i.e. status messages that say "I hate my roommates") and in my blog is because they have all shown so little interest in me that I assumed they would never decide to look me up. But what if?
So first I found Asperger's Xanga (people still keep Xangas?). Where she has some angsty entries and song lyrics that are soooo meaningful. She also has a picture of herself- check it out She's all bright and cheery homecoming queen with beautiful hair. She does NOT look like that now. And she does not look like the face of Asperger's in that picture. She walks with a stompy Asperger's gait, ignores people, has short brown hair, bad skin and in general just slouches around.
And here is my favorite part. When she was in college, she auditioned to be in Playboy. Here is the link to the article. Apparently Playboy came to Arizona State where she went to college.

Claire [redacted], a 20-year-old UA student, said her history with modeling and theater prompted her interest in auditioning for Playboy. "It's a good experience," she said. "It's something you can look back on and say, 'I did that.' It's something to be proud of."

Previous modeling experience? If I didn't know that this is where she had gone to school, I would assume it was just another girl with the same name. Because that is not the girl I live with who shuts herself up in her room for hours a day. What happened to her?

In OCM news - so far I'm a big fan. Obviously in 3 days my face isn't completely clear, but I have noticed some differences. 1: My forehead felt like I had buckshot embedded under the skin, and that has dramtically improved already. Sebum plugs to the surface FTW! I can totally feel them coming up when I do it. 2: For the past several weeks I have probably had at least one new pimple every day, and I haven't had any in the 3 days I've been doing it. 3. My skin had been very oily. I would wash my face around 8 am and by 11 am I was already breaking out the oil blotting papers and I would use two and still feel like my skin was greasy. Since I've been doing OCM my skin has been significantly less oily. I used one blotting paper one day and it wasn't nearly as bad.
I've been doing the OCM at night. Some people in the morning just splash their face with water. The one day I did that was the day that I used the blotting paper. So I have been using a neutrogena cleanser in the morning and a little tea tree oil on the spots that are still there and that keeps my face in good shape all day. Today I made a toner from Apple Cider Vinegar and tea. It's supposed to help reduce red marks. I'll report back.
The downside is that it's definitely a commitment. The whole process takes about 15 minutes because I steam my face to make sure the oil really gets out. But otherwise I am a fan.

So that's it for now. I'm going to go back to my embroidery.

Fall Line-Up

OK, this is to address Amy's question about the new 90210.
My thoughts are:
Do I think it will be good? Not at all.
Will I watch it? Most definitely.
And, assuming it's not unbearable, I will likely watch the whole season.

I love TV so much. Unashamedly.
I was watching commercials for new shows and shows I love that are returning and I get really excited. I don't care that it makes me the equivalent of a shut-in to have 3 hours of shows per night that I watch. It doesn't bother me that I care more about what's going on with Blaire and Serena than John and Barack.

I am proud that I am working on becoming a morning person so I can go to the gym in the morning and be available for my shows in the evening.

Because I think it's a sentiment that bears repeating, here is a post from my myspace blog from last year:
i don't like it when people write anything the lines of "kill your television", "television rots your brain", "i don't have time to watch tv" or "there are so many more things to do than watch tv".
bullshit. every time you come home you wanna go white water rafting or reorganize your kitchen cabinets? of course not. sometimes you want to come home and watch my super sweet 16 and just sit....if you don't, once you're done reading vegan cookbooks and re-enter the real world you won't be able to have a conversation with normal people, because normal people don't want to hear about all of the different ways to process the soy bean.
but more than that i hate people who write "i don't have/make time for tv, but when i do...." and then they go on to list about 25 shows that are all American Idol, Dancing With The Stars and SpongeBob....Eff that...you can't have both...you can't appeal to the people listening to classical music and studying walking sticks, and the mindless masses who love American Idol...it's one or the other....either you don't watch tv because you're too busy loving dragons and all mythical creatures or you're normal...own it.

Here are some webcomics...

...that reflect current events
(in my life. i don't care about russia or DNC's. When's that next Duggar special, btw?)

school's (not) out forever

I subscribe to a lot of blogs and podcasts. To the point where it is actually becoming overwhelming. I subscribe to science blogs, social work blogs, psych blogs, New York Times most emailed articles, friends' blogs and Jezebel. I also recently added a job search thing to my google reader which adds about 30 new posts a day. This adds up to hundreds of new blog posts a day and I don't even know what to do about it anymore. I used to subscribe to Google news but found that I was skipping through a lot of them just because of the enormity of information. Unfortunately, my deletion of culturally relevant blogs may be a contributing factor to my ignorance about anything current or significant. And it kills me to delete my blogs or podcasts. I used to listen to Slate's weekly podcast about the weekly political issues. I liked it because it was a good way for me to get updated on current events and also listen to some commentary. It was short, succinct and perfect for a commute. But there was also a lot of banter among the three hosts and it got really tiresome. They would get off track, make fun of each other and generally irritate me. I went through a weeks long process of debating whether or not I would unsubscribe from the podcast. Literally weeks where I would sit, waiting for the subway, listening to inanity about whether one of the hosts was too negative or whatever and I would have a long debate with myself about the value of wasting 45 minutes a week on the podcast. I ended up deleting it and I felt a pang of guilt as I did. It's really hard for me.

Jezebel is by far my favorite blog, but often times it reminds me too much of high school. It brings out all of my insecurities. I desperately want to be a part of this group that I think is so {funny, smart, cool, above-it-all, etc.} but I don't think that I am {insert adjective} enough to fit in. So I sit on the sidelines, laugh along at the jokes and tell myself that it's just because I have a life that I am not available to immediately comment on every post. That wasn't true in high school and it isn't true now.
Jezebel had a post today about that german sex book that has everyone all riled up and one of the editors posted a translation of part of it. It was about this girl who has hemorrhoids and how she doesn't get them removed because the only reason someone would get them removed is for aesthetics. The protagonist also writes about having anal sex while having hemorrhoids, which she describes as cauliflower. This prompted a google search for hemorrhoids, since I don't know anything about them AND because I love things that are disgusting. I love to do a youtube search on cysts, morgellons, the tree man and tumors. I can't help it. It's so gross and I love it.
It also got me thinking about the poor cauliflower, which I think is particularly delicious with a little sauce made of mustard and mayonnaise and with cheese broiled on top. But the cauliflower gets compared to everything disgusting that a human can get. Warts? Cauliflowered. 'Roids? Cauliflowered. You've got your cauliflower ear and a yeast infection looks like cauliflower.
So I thought, maybe I will write a comment about the poor cauliflower and disease comparisons and also my mystification regarding why anyone would have anal sex when they have hemorrhoids because it seems quite painful aside from the visual disturbance for the batter.
Turns out, Jezebel has all these rules for posting comments and you have to get approved ahead of time. The way to get approved is by writing a comment that they deem worthy of Jezebel and then they post it and you can post forever.
Which brings us back to my insecurities. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself up for the scrutiny of the clique. It's just like that time in English class when I wrote a story about mean kids, because I happened to sit in this corner where all of the asshole guys sat and they would just talk shit about people all through class. (I'm sure they're all really successful now, btw). My teacher asked me to read it and I wouldn't do it and he gave me this fixed look and said "Caitlin, I think it's really important that you read this". So then everyone is looking at me and the last thing I want is for these guys who were sitting in my corner to know what I had written. And I might have cried a little.
So maybe my observation that it would probably hurt to have up-the-bum sex when you have a mass of veins protruding from your ass probably wouldn't subject me to later criticism from little boys driving big trucks bought with their daddy's timber money, but it doesn't matter. I am actually back in high school, writing journal entries about my inability to fit in, laughing too hard at the wrong jokes and having crushes on all of the boys who are now gay.
Ugh.
I am going to go to my room, eat a bag of chocolate, hide it under my bed and self-injure.

Nerding out

I need to be doing some work, so I was reading boingboing.net, which is nerdy enough to start. And I read this post about fish who can supposedly count because they will go with groups of 4 fish versus 3 fish. And I was like, what, no, that does not mean they can count, that just means they can see that a group of fish is bigger. So then I'm like, what kind of a nerd cares if fish can count or just perceive size? Turns out, me and about 30 other boingboing readers who commented echoing my sentiments.
And that is your daily nerd alert.