you're never gonna leave and i'm never gonna leave, but you're never going to love me like i need

By the end of 2005 I had been sleeping with my coworker, J., for almost a year. For maybe about 2 months of that year we were what could have been possibly in some circles considered almost a legitimate relationship. But otherwise it was basically par for the course for Caitlinships and since like October of that year he had been in love with another girl we worked with who he was also sleeping with.

And you might be like, wow, was this like Brad Pitt over here? Quite the opposite, friend. If I had to compare J. to a well-known figure I would say Phillip Seymour Hoffman plus about 50 lbs. My sister suggested Tweedle Dee. There are many mysteries in the universe. One of the most significant is how this kid always got these really cute girls despite having few redeeming qualities. Anyway, all this set-up to discuss what happened the day after Christmas in 2005.

Around 2 am I start getting calls and texts from J. He was always a really big drunk dialer (oh I should mention he was pretty much an alcoholic). He was at the coast with his parents for Christmas. But because they didn't have enough room in their condo they had put him up in a hotel and he suggested I come out and stay with him at this hotel. "C'mon Caitlin. It's great. We could start a really nice life together here." I am not kidding you, that's what he said. And I fucking fell for it. So at 4 am I pack up an overnight back and head out to the coast, still wearing my pajamas. Incidientally I just realized I am wearing those same pj's right now. Think about it.
It was a 2 hour drive to his hotel and around 5 am I got pulled over for speeding. When the cop asked me why I was speeding I said, "Listen. It's the day after Christmas. It's 5 am. I am driving in the middle of the night to see a boy. I am wearing my pajamas and it's stupid." He let me go because he said my "honesty was refreshing." I showed up to J.'s hotel at 6 am and he was smashed, of course. At arounded 10 am we headed over to his parents' condo.

When his parents asked how, exactly, a friend of his from town was at the coast he told them that he had gotten drunk and texted everyone he knew asking them to come out, and that I was the only one who responded.

I am going to let that sink in for a minute.

I should have at that time gotten up and said it was now time for me to go back home. But I didn't. I stayed the weekend with him at the hotel. I even called in sick because I was supposed to be back to work after the holiday. And we didn't do shit. We laid around in bed and watched Dog the Bounty Hunter. We went to the aquarium and had nothing to say to each other. I dropped a bunch of change and he stood there while I picked it up. But the whole time I was fighting so hard for us to have this life together he had promised. After all, I was the one who cared enough to respond...not the one pathetic enough and eventually he would realize that. Right? Right?!?! No. Of course not. Every once in a while I do something sad enough that I have an out-of-body experience when I can actually see myself how I would look to an outsider. The last afternoon, sitting on his parents' couch while I tried to flirt with him and he ignored me to watch My Super Sweet 16 I had that out-of-body experience. "I'm going to go," I said. He didn't say anything. I cried the whole way home.

We continued to get drunk and have sex for a couple months after that. See: My issues with self-respect.

But I am working on it, so last night when I got a text in the middle of the night from this guy, apparently not satisfied about his starring role in ball less breakups, asking why he'd never been in a dating disaster post and then suggesting that perhaps I would like to come over, I declined. I think we all know that not a lot has changed about my dating patterns in the last 4 years, but I don't respond anymore to booty calls from people who don't care about me.

There you go, mister.

Dating Disaster #7: Some have travelled far and wide, some have given up and died, for the love of a sweet lovin' man

Ok, so several years ago I was doing a lot of craigslist dating and one dude who had written me never sent me his picture, which I figured was fine. I sat outside of a bar looking expectantly at every guy who came up, until my date finally rolled up. Yes, rolled up. On roller skates. Not even roller blades. And he had this scraggly beard (which he nervously picked hair out of for the entire date) and was obviously someone I would not have dated had I seen his picture ahead of time.
When he rolled up and looked at me he said, "You look disappointed."
He was correct.
But this post isn't about this date. This post is about the date that I just got home from. This was an okcupid date, so this guy had seen my picture....but, when he walked up his face looked like I imagine mine must have when I first saw roller skate guy. I feel like there was a moment when he was a) hoping that he had walked into the wrong bar or b) hoped that I hadn't recognized him and he could turn around.
So this dude is 35, which is older than guys I tend to date. Example: He talked about having been to Eugene for a Grateful Dead show...now, he didn't say when that was, but Jerry Garcia died when I was 12...sooo... And in general he is just in a different place in his life than me.
And maybe he realized that right away, maybe it was just a feeling he had. But he ordered sake, which is baaasically the smallest drink you can get at a bar aside from a shot, and he did not nurse that motherfucker.
After about a half hour he said, "So, um, this is kind of like a school night for me...so I had better get going."
Yeah, buddy, better make sure you get home at 9 o clock. Asshole.
Shortest date ever.
I at least stuck around for two drinks with roller skate guy.
So I don't know what happened, maybe he realized we were at different places...maybe I look grossly disfigured compared to my picture. I have no idea.
What I do know is that I can't do this anymore.
Taking a break from dating, indefinitely.

Dating Disaster #6: Self R-E-S-P-E-C-T (just a little bit)

I don't really like or dislike Valentine's Day. When it's your first or second Valentine's Day in a new relationship it can be really great. I imagine that after 25 Valentine's Day you're probably pretty much over Bee Mine plush bumblebees, but maybe it's a nice time to remember that you love each other. I wouldn't know. When you're single, sometimes it's kind of a bummer, sometimes you don't care. Whatevs.
But, I was thinking that a romantic day which I am spending alone, having just polished off about 4 gallons of chocolate marshmallow frozen yogurt and am otherwise doomed to watch romcoms all night because THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE ON!, is a good time to pull out a dating disaster.

This dating disaster will take what should be a familiar pattern to those of you who have read Dating Disasters 1-5. I am not sure if this is just my unfortunate taste, a side effect of casual sex, or typical for most dudes. Anyway, I met this guy at a party and yadda yadda yadda ended up going home with him. I was pretty drunk, so after we're done I passed out in his bed. I woke up about an hour later to this dude all touching on my lady parts. I mumbled something about how I was sleeping and shifted my position to be less accessible. But this guy is not one to be easily disswayed and contorted his arm into what had to have been an uncomfortable position just to continue to molest me. I sat up, "umm, I'm going to go home." As I tried to crawl over him to get out of bed, he pulled me down on top of him, "Hey wanna go again?" Uuuugh. No. I don't. So I left. Later I am telling my friends about this, and almost unanimously they say I should give him another try because "we were both drunk" and "he's a friend of a friend so he can't be that bad" and "it was probably just an isolated incident."

So this is where my poor self esteem and bad decision making comes into play, because when he texted me later I was all like, oh yeah let's get together. So eventually we got drinks. He asked me to go home with him and I declined. He didn't push it, unlike Dating Disaster #5. So I thought, well, maybe it was just a one time violation. And I agree to see him again.

At get-together #3, I intended to just get together at a bar near my house but the bar was crowded and loud and we ended up going back to my apartment. I should know better by now, but still invited him up and started downing screwdrivers. A lot of screwdrivers. Pretty soon I was drunker than I have been in a long time and I don't remember much until the morning when I woke up. But apparently we had sex and I woke up at 5 am with one of the worst hangovers I have ever had. My head was pounding, I couldn't get back to sleep and this dude in my bed keeps thinking that maybe he should try to touch my boobs. I got up to get some advil and was like, "um, hey, would you be offended if I asked you to leave?" So I am not sure what my response would be in a situation like that. I would probably feel stupid and embarrassed and just leave. I am pretty sure that I would not say, "Just give me a couple more hours honey". A couple hours?? In a couple hours I have to be at work! But what am I supposed to say...I mean, I don't want to be rude. So I just laid back down and said, "don't touch me." "Well...this is awkward," he grumbled into his pillow. Yeah, for me and you both, buddy.

We started talking about random stuff, because what else are you supposed to do when you are massively hungover and there is a rather large naked man who won't leave your apartment. Then the guy decides that he should give me a backrub, which was actually kind of nice and did make me feel a little better. But no one ever does anything nice without expecting something in return, so, predictably the back massage turns into a game of "let me see how much I can touch your boobs until you move my hand." Ugh.

So in the course of this conversation he kind of laughs awkwardly and says something about me asking him to leave my apartment twice. And I was like, wait what? Twice? I just asked you once. "Uhh, no..." he says "You also asked me to leave like right after we had sex."
Are you kidding me right now? Seriously? I ask you two times to leave and you still don't do it? Who does that?

To me it sort of enters this kind of rapey, aggressive, disrespectful territory that I'm not all that comfortable with. After he left I was really angry at myself for not making him leave in the morning when I asked him. I assume I was too wasted to be very convincing when I asked him the first time. But I was annoyed that in the morning I said to myself, "well I don't want to be rude" instead of "you know what, I have a right to ask you to leave and have you comply."
I was expecting him to be a three-texter before he got that I didn't want to see him again. But I was wrong, it was only 2.
Although, speaking of people who don't get it, Mole Guy requested my facebook friendship the other day. At first I didn't even know who it was...then I recognized the headshot. I at least had the self respect to click ignore.

for those following my plight...

Frank is now completely gone from the apartment!
And, if you live in the greater tri-state area and want to go with me to Ikea next week to get a couch let me know. Last time it was so bad that my friend left all the shit he had picked out in the middle of the store, out of being overwhelmed. So I need the support.
I'm getting Extorp; I already have it picked out.
My apartment is going to be so less shitty! Maybe I will feel comfortable enough to have people over besides one night stands.

On that note, there is apparently a blog called I Bang The Worst Dudes....um hasn't that been my blog for like a year??
The Jezebel people think that perhaps it is a joke....but given that I think every scenario excluding the ones with STDs has happened to me, I'm inclined to think it is not.
Anyway, what an auspicious week: Worst President Ever=gone! Worst Roommate Ever=gone!

Hope lives on in Clinton Hill.

if love is a drug i guess we're all sober

The evening security guard at my work is very friendly. Every day when I leave we chat and he gives me a stick of gum. He knows more about me than is really probably necessary for a security guard to know. A while back he asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said I did not and he said "why?!". Well, Hassan, it's obviously because no one will ever love me. Tomorrow we'll begin a series of 3 minute discussions on my choices in partners.

Today I asked Hassan about his day off, and he in return asked me about mine. I told him I had gone to see a movie. "Alone?", he asked. I said that no I had gone with a friend. He looked so heartbreakingly hopeful for a minute and said "A friend.....? A...boy? friend?" And I said that it was a female friend. Crushed. He was so crushed. "You don't have a boyfriend, right?" And I confirmed that I do not. He gave me this pitying smile and I was like, "what?". He paused for a minute..."I don't like that...you look good! You are young! You should have a boyfriend!"

Thanks, Hassan. No, really.

I have recently had yet another dating disaster, which I don't have enough distance from to blog about (making it sound much more tragic than it was)....and I was thinking that maybe I really just want to spend some time on me. Isn't there a sex and the city or something where they date themselves? I don't know. I don't watch that show.

But then I was like, my friends are already always thinking about setting me up with people ...but you know it's bad when the security guard at your work is tired of you being single....so I guess I will plod on in my ongoing quest to not date an asshole and at least Hassan will be happy.

he's just not that into you(r birth control)

From Jezebel via New Scientist: A study suggests that ovulating women are more susceptible to being hit on. Who knew the pill could also prevent you from giving a douchebag your number? That's contraception we can believe in. [New Scientist.

In my opinion, in addition to ensuring that you will be going home alone tonight, being on BC also prevents you from sustaining a relationship. I submit as evidence, three stories:

1. The day that I most recently got dumped I had also gone to the doctor to get a new acne medication. Antibiotics interfere with the effectiveness of birth control, and since this dude and I were having unprotected sex I thought maybe I should quit playing russian roulette with my uterus. So I asked for a non-antibiotic acne medication. Dumped later that day.

2. A friend of mine had started seeing someone and they had slept together a couple times, so she decided she should go back on birth control. She went and got herself hooked up with the pill, and I believe she got dumped that same day...definitely that same week.

3. Another friend of mine was casually sleeping with somone and also decided that she should maybe get on the BC. Once she got the prescription she never saw him again.

Sometimes they say that a girl had a baby just to keep her man. But clearly, she just quit taking birth control in order to keep her claws in him and the baby was just an unfortunate fertility side effect.

P.S. I am pretty sure that, given the amount of unprotected sex I have had while on birth control AND antibiotics, and the lack of pregnancy, I am infertile.

i read with every broken heart we should become more adventerous

Well, I was dumped today. Via e-mail, which rounds out the other ball-less ways people have broken up with me including phone, text message, and instant message. And yet, never in person. In case you didn't already know that I have a shitty track record, this should give you an idea of the type of person I date. I would like the next person who dumps me to do it via telegram.
I didn't want to have to do this. Stop
I like you, but just not enough. Stop
I hope we can keep in touch. Stop

And you may be saying to yourself, wait Caitlin was in a relationship? Wasn't she going on all these other dates? And you are partially right, friend. But I was not in a real relationship. I was only in the type of relationship that I continually am in, which is one that sucks up my life for months and months at a time with someone who likes me, but not quite enough to not be an asshole. Thus, the side-dating with other equally douchy dudes who I vainly hope will be able to commit.

Normally I would be back on the prowl and probably have an immediate one night stand. Maybe even tonight. It's not unheard of. Unfortunately, my skin situation is such that I barely want to leave the house leave lone go on a date where I try not to self-consciously keep my hands in front of my face the entire time. But I did go to the doctor today. Predictably, she admonished me for being a skin picker. I have never heard a convincing enough reason to think that that shit needs to stay inside my skin. Also, I have very few joys in life. One of them is discovery health shows about freaks. Another is picking at my face. Don't take that away from me.

Roommate Live Blog

So when I first moved in here my roommate liaison was Frank and he was the one I talked to the most. And then I learned that he is a huge huge slob (with the exception of coaster, natch). And I thought maybe he and I would be friendly. But then I felt like every time I talked he was completely tuned out and then he would talk about himself and zone out while I was talking. So I got kind of tired of it and quit really interacting with him, and at this point I think I am actually more social with Asperger's.
Well, Frank has what appears to be a date over. Seriously I am sitting across the kitchen table from her writing about her. I am such an asshole. But, really, he shows pretty much the same disinterest in her as he shows in conversations with me.
This is actually really hilarious. I want to live blog all of his dates. Obviously he is interested because he just asked her to a movie on Sunday.
But then she was like, oh well I might have to go to this open house on Sunday.
So then he's like...um...oh yeah, that's cool...I was just...you know...asking...
haha. I love observing awkwardness so much.

Anyway, now I feel bad that I wrote Frank off and I feel like there is all this tension every time we are in the same room because we don't interact at all. And also I am usually seething with bitterness that Lucy loves him more than she loves me. Obviously that's just how he is all the time. Maybe he really wanted to be friends at first and then I wrote him off because he has poor social skills and I thought he didn't want to talk.
He is really a boring person. He probably falls on the autism spectrum too. He speaks in a serious monotone. I should make him talk to me when I have insomnia.

Man I wish I had a webcam for this date. Haha...it's kind of painful.
They're sitting across the room from each other.
I can't tell how she feels about him since she pretty much denied his sunday movie invite.

I should really live blog, like minute by minute. There's just silence right now.

Still silence.

A slight chuckle from Frank because he has ESPN on because he is apparently a jerk. Who keeps ESPN on during their date?

Now the girl just nodded at nothing. She talks really fast but I don't know if it's because that's how she always is or she is just so nervous in Frank's awesome presence. Or maybe she feels like she's being observed, which she is.

Ok, enough of my creepiness for now.

Silence.

Dating Disaster # 5: Don't take No for an answer

I met this Dating Disaster at a bar the same night as my date with Awkward Sexual Innuendo Guy. I abandoned ASI guy to meet my friends at the bar. However, they were all kind of talking to people so I was just sitting around. In my experience this is actually the best way to meet dudes at bars, if you're so inclined to want to do that. You're casually social with your friends, enjoying yourself, you don't look grumpy and depressed slumped at the bar by yourself and you're open game.

So this dude and I, David, started talking about the new taco truck they had put in at the bar and just kept chatting. Things were going well and he didn't come off as a douche and I was feeling pretty positive about the whole thing. However, after my disastrous date and a few other recent mishaps I had just decided earlier that day that I was going to go on a hiatus from dating. And if not from dating as a whole, certainly from one night stands and other doomed from the start dating endeavors. Which is why when David invited me back to his place I politely declined. And, because I am more open than anyone needs to be, I actually let him know that unfortunately, just that very day, I had decided not to sleep with people that I don't know.

"Oh nonono!" David said. "I didn't mean it like that...I just want to spend more time with you outside of the bar. I don't want to have sex. Of course not! I'll just sleep on the couch and you can sleep in the bed...I just wanted to get to know you better!"

Ok, ok, so I know this was a line, and I knew it was a line then...but I have the self control of a toddler so of course I ended up going home with him.

This is not actually where the disaster is. The sexy time, the next morning, all of that was really good as far as dudes from bars goes. In fact, I was actually feeling really positively about the whole experience and I had enjoyed spending time with this guy.

About a week later he called me. Another good sign. Even though I am stuck in The Rules 1995 and feel that 3 days should be the timeframe, my standards are low enough at this point that I'll accept a week. So he was at a local bar with some friends and wanted me to come out. This was more points in his favor as I think it's a bad sign when a dude won't introduce you to his friends.

So, still...no disasters here. All in all things were going well at the bar. I was having a nice time with his friends. He was being really sweet. I was feeling really good about everything.
But then we get to the time where he is thinking that maybe we should go back to his place. But I just really didn't want to.

A lot of my DDandCC's happen because I have sex with people way before I should. As sex positive as I am, I do believe that it leads dudes to have less respect for me and it doesn't really bode well for a strong relationship. So I told David that I really liked him and for that reason I did not want to go home with him.

"Oh! Nononono!" David said. "I didn't mean it like that! Of course we don't have to have sex. I just wanted to get something to eat! Why don't we just go back to my place and I'll make some pasta! No sex at all! Just a midnight snack!" (Edit: I was just re-reading this and realized I wrote "sex" instead of "snack". Oh, Freud)

Of course, I know that this is a line. But I'm really, really working on my self control and I explain to him my reasoning and insist that I just really don't want to go back to his place.

Meanwhile we had met this random girl and her mom (the girl was about our age) who were really funny and we had been talking with them. So we talk with them for a while and periodically David would bring up wanting to go back to his place and I would decline.

Eventually I am talking with the women alone and they asked me if David and I were a couple because we were so cute together. I was pretty excited about this because, even if he was being kind of obnoxious about getting me to go back to his place, I felt that it was another good sign.
So I joked, just as David re-entered the conversation, that we were not a couple and had just met recently and that he was trying to get me to go home with him but I wasn't going to because I was a respectable woman.

I thought David would get the joke since obviously he knew that we had already had sex. Boy was I wrong. We left the bar and he flipped the fuck out.

As we're standing out on the sidewalk David starts yelling at me, saying I made him look like an asshole and what did I think I was doing.
I was completely blindsided and I still don't understand why he was mad.
"You were trying to get me to go home with you," I explained. "Plus, you don't know those women and you'll never see them again. What do you care?"
He blustered something about it not being like that and that he just wanted to get something to eat and blah blah stuff I don't remember because I was kind of drunk.
Finally he calmed down, "Let's go get some pizza."

So we went to the pizza place and we're ordering when David realizes he doesn't have any cash.
"Let's just go back to my place and I'll get some cash", he suggested.
"Aaaah! I don't want to go home with you!"
He blustered some more about that he needed to get cash or whatever. Which was total bullshit, obviously, because there are ATMs on every corner in that neighborhood.
We mumbled some apologies as I left.
"Listen." I said. "I date a lot of assholes, and I don't need it from you."
"That's just it! I'm not an asshole!"
"Ok. Well. We're both drunk. Let's talk when we're not."

Predictably, we never spoke again. At first I was hurt, because I actually probably would have hung out with him again. But that just goes back to all of my self respect issues. Because, bottom line, he was an asshole. A not-asshole would take me at face value when I say I don't want to have sex, without an explanation. A moderate asshole would take it after an explanation. But he just wouldn't let it go. Even after we get into a huge fight about it he comes up with some nonsense to get me back to his place.
Ridiculous. It's too bad though because he worked for MAC and totes could have hooked me up. Oh well.

In OCM news: I think I am in the end phases of the purging stage. Not so sure how I feel about it, because I have a ton of red marks. Hoping they go away soon. I've been using the apple cider vinegar toner, which is recommended for the red marks.

In roommate news: I have had maybe 3 conversations with Asperger's. Two of them involved her wanting to be in on cookies I had made and the third is a combination of passing remarks I have made. Today she noted that I do not like local news. Which is true. And I must have mentioned that in conversation number 3. They DO care about me!

Dating Disaster #4: You Won't Last Too Long On Broadway

So this dating disaster was yet another CL find. I had responded to what I thought was kind of a witty ad about words or something equally nerdy. I talked to Jeff on the IM a few times, and he seemed ok. However, he did offer to take me on a trip, which is always weird. I don't know what the deal is with dudes I don't know inviting me on trips. Anyway we had plans to go on a date, but he had to cancel because he had to be on call that day for Law and Order.
Oh yes, this craigslist gem was an actor. He has been on L&O 3 times, which he was sure to remind me about several times. He was quite wounded when I pointed out that everyone in NY has been on L&O -- seriously, one of the social workers at my agency has been on it 3 times.
Anyway, then he had to bail another time, I don't remember why. And then we canceled another time, I think that time it was me. Anyway, I was over it. And then I decided to go on a break from dating, probably because of some other dating disaster.
So then flash forward a month and I am out with a friend gettin' my drank on and I've had a few and we're at WhiteCastle, you know, I get an IM from him on my phone. So I'm all rum and dieted/onion ringed up and I decide that he and I should meet at a bar across the street from my apartment.
And he's a little bit over-anxious. Like I had already seen his pic (headshot. for ser), and he texted me to let me know what he would be wearing. But then he texted me later to let me know that he had changed his mind as was wearing a green shirt. That kind of anxious.
But he shows up at the bar and pays for my drinks, which is a small gesture I always appreciate. And we're talking and having a good enough time as I recall. No idea what we talked about, but he must have been doing all right because I invited him back to my place.
We get back to my place and I go into the bathroom and I come out to find that he has discovered the grand piano in my roommate's room.
"Can I play you something? I was in four broadway musicals, you know."
ugh.
But apparently even that wasn't enough to deter me, because we end up in my room. And we're about to be having sex and he says,
"You're not too drunk are you?"
"No. Why? Are you worried about my ability to give consent"
"No. I just want you to remember how good this is going to be"
At this point, with his dick actually inside me, I laughed in his face.
"What?"
"Um, I can't belive you just said that."
"What? Why?"
"Never mind. Let's just do this"

Note: Sometimes I think people miss part of what is the most hilarious about this anecdote. Because not only was it a ridiculous thing to say. But I was genuinely, earnestly thinking he was worried about gray rape. But no.

So was the sex worth being sober for? Of course not. And it was one of those times where you're just waiting for the dude to finish up cuz the alcohol's wearing off and you're starting to get a headache and you kind of just want to get some water and some advil and hope he doesn't try to cuddle.

However, there were a few memorable parts. As I was running my hands through his hair...I noticed what appeared to be...sewn in hair. Like, I'm not familiar with hair solutions for men....were they hair plugs? A wig? I don't know, but it was like trying to run your hands through the hair of a cheaply made doll.

I noticed also....moles. But I wrote it off and passed out.

First thing I notice in the morning though was those fucking moles. So friends who I have told this to who have a few moles have seemed a little concerned, like perhaps I think they are disgusting. And no. These were not those kind of moles. These were like, yo you wanna get yourself to a dermatologist because I am pretty sure I see these motherfuckers changing size and shape in front of me. Full on pre-cancerous melanomas. All. Over. Everwhere. Face, neck, chest. Sick. I was seriously nauseous.

And of course, he wants to have the morning sex. See And She Was for a description of why morning sex is distasteful. But basically I don't understand why the morning sex after what is doomed to become a one-night stand. I know there is this whole sterotype of women who prefer that men stay over and cuddle (see: When Harry Met Sally), but this is one area where I am firmly dude. Unless I like you, I don't want to cuddle with you. But, obviously this guy didn't get that. Seriously, in mid-thrust at one point in the night (which is where his best conversation took place) he was like, um, so we need to go out again, because I don't usually do this. Ummm.
Anyway, this dude was all trying to kiss on me, and it was a toss-up between giving in and pushing him out of the bed because either way I would have to touch his sick moles. But giving in could possibly mean also having to touch his sewn-in hair, so I got out of bed.
I had to force him out after he tried to invite me on a weekend trip with his friends. Seriously. It happens all the time.

Of course he texted me a couple of times after that. And of course I did not reply. Then, predictably he did the check-in call, which we all know I hate. "Heeeyy Caitlin...iiitt's Jeff....I texted you a couple tiiimes. Maybe you didn't get theeemm?....umm...but, I thought we had a good time? Aaaanyway...call me back". Pathetic. And that was the end of The Actor.

Hm

People only like my blog when I talk about dating failures or my court show appearances. I don't feel like writing about bad dates and I haven't been on tv recently. Anyone interested in guest blogging. You could be read by tens of people!

Dating Disaster #3 or,The date that wasn't

So. I've been posting these dating disasters. And guess who should resurface but Griffin, of the blog stalking fame.
This motherfucker found my blog a while back. Wrote me a comment. Wrote me several emails, trying to get me to go out with him. I didn't, because the psycho checked my blog EVERY HOUR for a while.
So then i write these blogs, and Smith (reported first name) at smithstreetbrooklyn@hotmail.com (obvious fake email. i know that. but in case you want to send hate mail) writes me and says "oh, if you'd like a date you can blog happily about, you should let me know.
Turns out that he has written me on a day when I am bored and lonely, so we agree to meet at this bar in Carroll Gardens at 7:45.
I was a little late. 7:55. I walk into the bar and see friends of my bff Steph -- Bernard and Rebecca.
"Oh, hey...friends of friends" I say, awkwardly. "I am here to meet a date. Some creep who reads my blog and won't leave me alone."
I look around. Everyone at the bar looks the same. and they all look like my potential date. But none seem to be my date. Seriously...they all had the same haircut, same generic t-shirt style....it was bizarre.
"Hey sit and have a drink," my friends say. I comply, all the while looking for my date. For like the first half hour I was watching the door, looking around. I even got out my cell phone to check my email and get his picture from the email, which I showed to Bernard and Rebecca and even the bartender who all confirmed he was not in the bar and had not been in the bar.
He never fucking shows.
There is a dude who looks a lot like Smith. My friends agree that he looks like Smith and "dare" me to go ask if it's him. I do.
No, he says, I am not Smith.
I walk back to my barstool, mortified.
Later, not-Smith comes up to me. "There are about 5 guys over there claiming to be Smith," he says. I laugh, but none of the other not-Smiths come over. I was flattered, and probably would have talked to any of them, but no luck there.
5 drinks later, I decide to leave the bar. I'm drunk, pissed and amused all at the same time.
All this time, my friends insisted that the bartender had a thing for me. I agreed, especially since he kept giving us all these drinks. Normally, he would not be someone I was interested in....but I do like free drinks, and it had been a weird night.
As we get ready to leave the bar, it turns out that he was charging us for the drinks.
Still, my friends decide I should leave a note on a coaster for the bartender who clearly had a thing for me. I do. He shoves it under the bar.
Apparently he looked at it after I left and said, "oh, that's sweet."
Basically? Fuck you.

And here's what I don't get....this dude is kind of obsessed with my blog...kind of obsessed with how amazing I am, and I finally consent to a date, so why the no-show? Was it because I was 10 mins late and he left? I told him I would blog about it..did he get cold feet? Did he not like the picture? 5 not-Smiths, the bartender and Bernard would all say the latter could not possibly be the case. So what gives.
Regardless, I have zero tolerance at this point for date stupidity. So, in case anyone was wondering, there will be no second chances. And I'm taking a break from dating for awhile. I think at least the rest of the month. In the meantime, I'm going to be working out my self-respect and self-esteem issues.

I'm also going to be taking a little break from blogging. Return date TBD.

Dating Disaster #2 or getting back on the horse

So this dating disaster comes from when I was living in Eugene and pretty much on a constant rebound from a non-existent relationship. So I was on the CL a lot. As you read these dating disasters you will probably say to yourself, Hey, why didn't she give up on this shit? I am not entirely sure. But I think it was the Secret allowing me to have material for these blogs, years later.
So I met Will from the CL and we went out and it was a pretty normal, standard date. He was kind of cute, nice, etc. so I decided we should go out again. He took me out to dinner, we had a nice time, and he paid, which is always a bonus since I seem to not really date monied types. However, he was kind of cagey about what exactly he did for a living. I knew he lived out on a farm with the dude who owned the property, but that was about it.
Then on our next date he came over, and in lieu of a bouquet he brought me some marijuana.
"So, you grow pot, right?" I finally asked. I had been developing the suspicion for some time, based on the facts available.
He got paranoid in a way that only someone involved in the drug trade can be. He looked around with shifty eyes, checking for the DEA or a wire,"How did you know that?"
"Well..." I responded "You don't have a job, but somehow you make money...on a farm...and then you just brought me some of the freshest weed I've ever seen....all signs point to slingin' dope."
It was also on this date that I learned that his roommate was a heroin user. And I don't remember if it was also this date in which the roommate called Will to see if he wanted to smoke some heroin when he got home. But it was either that time we hung out or the following one.
I'm pretty loosey goosey when it comes to drug use. I've certainly done my experimentation (some would call it "abuse" or "addiction". Semantics), never with heroin, but far be it for me to judge.
So Will leaves my apartment and heads home to smoke china white out of a lightbulb on his pot farm. I called him later in the week, but didn't hear from him for probably about 10 days. When he finally resurfaced I asked what he had been up to.
"coming down," he answered.
That was our last date. Not by my choice though. It's probably redundant, but my standards are kind of low, and I have the self-respect issues. So Will just kind of vanished. I can only assume that his body is now decaying amid rusted gear and the flora of a cannabis farm, a needle stuck in his eyeball due to the lack of any remaining viable veins.

Dating Disaster #1 or, the importance of red flags

So I was having dinner with my friend Mike today and telling him about the bad date I went on the other day. He suggested I write about it in my blog. We then had a whole discussion about the need for self-disclosure, private made public, internet voyeurism etc. which is a whole other blog I have been thinking about writing.
But, I had been thinking about writing a separate, more anonymous blog about my dating history anyway so that I could write about some of my more intense dating debauchery...but, I have insomnia now and I need to blog more (does anyone actually need to blog at all?). So here it is.
So R., as are most of my dates, was a splendid craigslist find from an ad I posted on the 4th of July. As I was leaving another date that had been a pretty solid failure I checked my email from my phone. I had gotten an email from this guy, he seemed nice and his pic was cute, kind of dorky, I thought maybe he could have some potential. And after my dating disgrace I was ready for another date. Turns out he was up near Harlem, and at the time I was in the East Village so I suggested we meet in Union Square. I figured I would walk there, wait for a bit and then he would show up. Well, after nearly an hour and a half of waiting he didn't show and I left. He texted as I was getting home and apologized for taking so long to get down there and said he would still like a chance to meet me. We emailed a little bit and I wasn't really feeling it, especially after he did what I hate which is the "check-in" email: "Hey, didn't hear back from you..just wondering...you know...if you got my last email." It gets to be a little much for me.

However, after all of these red flags of qualities that i know I don't like, I still decided to go through with a date. So Monday we were supposed to meet at a restaurant near my house at 6. I got a voicemail from him at 5:30 telling me to call him back (no other relevant info, which I also hate), I called back, got no answer and headed to the restaurant a little after 6. As I'm walking there he calls me telling me he had JUST gotten out of work (in Harlem) and was just leaving. Why he did not share this information in his first message I do not know. I was pretty much over it by this time, but he was already on his way and I could deal with some free dinner (that's right, not going dutch on this one).
So he calls me when he gets off of the subway and tells me he doesn't remember the name of the restaurant or where it is, I tell him to just go up one block to Leonard. He gets kind of whiny, saying he has no sense of direction.
Ok, I also have no sense of direction, but as with any disability you learn to adapt. In this particular situation I would go one block, if that wasn't the street, I would turn around and go the other way one block. One of those would be the street, see? But, our man R obviously is an idiot with no problem solving skills. So I go rescue him from the corner and we go to the restaurant.
I was already pretty unimpressed, so I don't know if there is a lot he could have done to redeem himself. But he didn't help himself at all. He didn't really look like his picture. He was recognizable, but was a lot nerdier in person.
First of all, his conversational skills were severely limited and he changed topics really bizarrely in a way that was really hard to follow. You also have to imagine a really monotone/shy voice with limited affect. An example of a conversational tidbit:
Him: What tv shows do you like.
Me: Um, I've been watching this show that ran on SciFi like a year ago called The Dresden Files.
(note: this is an example of why I am excellent at dating [not choosing dates obviously. but the actual act itself, I rule]. I chose this show in particular because I figured he would probably be into scifi)
Him: Like the city in Germany?
Me: Um, yeah, but it's the guy's last name.
Him: I just read a book about Dresden.
Me: ...

So, just a lot of that, where it's not completely off topic, but it's not how normal people would progress a conversation.

Anyway, I can deal with awkward, I'll just suck it up and get through my date and whatever. But then it gets worse.
We are talking about scary movies and I mention that someone I knew was so scared by The Ring that she had to sleep in her mom's bed for a week (at age 20+)
His response? "Oh, you could sleep in my bed if you needed to"
ugh.
I'm not a big fan of sexual innuendo in casual conversation with people I don't really know in the first place. Add in all of this dude's qualities and I spent the whole meal cringing.


So after dinner we decide to go get gelato at this window service place. We are standing in line and R asks if there is anywhere to sit and I tell him that there are chairs around the corner.
Him: Oh, haha, I was going to say something kind of suggestive. But maybe I won't...
Me: Ok.
Him: Do you want to hear it?
Me: Do you want to get shot down? (Yes I did say this)
Him: I was going to say something about...you know....going back to your place...and you know...eating gelato.
Me: We can just eat here.

Then as we're getting ready to order he announces that he's going to get a pint. I was like, jesus, but ok. Then he asks what size I am getting, I tell him a small. He says he will get a small too, but still orders the pint.
He gets his huge pint of gelato, which, as luck would have it was scooped in such a way that it had two ice cream scoop round mounds on the top.
Him: "Oh haha, look...this looks like something"
Me: ...
As we are eating he asks me if his size is a small. No, I say, it is a pint. You ordered a pint.
Him: Oh. I thought it was a small. Crazy Americans.
(fyi. kid was born and raised in new york)

And then, like a mirage in a desert of shitty dates, crossing the street are my friends. I jump up! Oh look! It's my friends! Um...my friend is in town...and, I haven't seen her in years...and they're going to get drinks....
Him: So, you're gonna get rid of me, huh?
Me: Haha yeah.
Him: Will we ever see each other again.
Me: ohhh....you never know. I'll walk you back to the subway.

By the time we got to the subway I had quit trying.
Him: Well, I had a great time. I just couldn't believe this beautiful girl was giving me so many chances.
Me: Oh. yeah. Well, I'm glad you had a nice time.
(pause)
Him: Well, I hope you had a good time too.
Me: oooh...fnignaognrnew (that's me mumbling something about thanks for dinner).

And, as if all that wasn't enough, he would ask me these challenging questions. I think it was his poorly socialized way of trying to get more information, but it came across as almost antagonistic. He challenged me on why I have been unemployed for so long. I will take a lot of shit from a lot of dudes. To a point that it's almost a self-respect problem. But that shit? No. There are few things I hold sacred, unemployment is one of them. You just don't question it, you admire it.

And have I heard from him since? Of course. And I suspect it won't be the last time. I anticipate a check-in email within the week.