Dating Disaster #2 or getting back on the horse

So this dating disaster comes from when I was living in Eugene and pretty much on a constant rebound from a non-existent relationship. So I was on the CL a lot. As you read these dating disasters you will probably say to yourself, Hey, why didn't she give up on this shit? I am not entirely sure. But I think it was the Secret allowing me to have material for these blogs, years later.
So I met Will from the CL and we went out and it was a pretty normal, standard date. He was kind of cute, nice, etc. so I decided we should go out again. He took me out to dinner, we had a nice time, and he paid, which is always a bonus since I seem to not really date monied types. However, he was kind of cagey about what exactly he did for a living. I knew he lived out on a farm with the dude who owned the property, but that was about it.
Then on our next date he came over, and in lieu of a bouquet he brought me some marijuana.
"So, you grow pot, right?" I finally asked. I had been developing the suspicion for some time, based on the facts available.
He got paranoid in a way that only someone involved in the drug trade can be. He looked around with shifty eyes, checking for the DEA or a wire,"How did you know that?"
"Well..." I responded "You don't have a job, but somehow you make money...on a farm...and then you just brought me some of the freshest weed I've ever seen....all signs point to slingin' dope."
It was also on this date that I learned that his roommate was a heroin user. And I don't remember if it was also this date in which the roommate called Will to see if he wanted to smoke some heroin when he got home. But it was either that time we hung out or the following one.
I'm pretty loosey goosey when it comes to drug use. I've certainly done my experimentation (some would call it "abuse" or "addiction". Semantics), never with heroin, but far be it for me to judge.
So Will leaves my apartment and heads home to smoke china white out of a lightbulb on his pot farm. I called him later in the week, but didn't hear from him for probably about 10 days. When he finally resurfaced I asked what he had been up to.
"coming down," he answered.
That was our last date. Not by my choice though. It's probably redundant, but my standards are kind of low, and I have the self-respect issues. So Will just kind of vanished. I can only assume that his body is now decaying amid rusted gear and the flora of a cannabis farm, a needle stuck in his eyeball due to the lack of any remaining viable veins.

Low-rent tastes

I was in Greenpoint today running some errands on my way to the gym. This means I was wearing gym clothes. As I was walking down the street a cute little bald man in his early 70's said "Hi Mami." He was so cute so I said hi back, which I normally do not.
"You are beautiful", he said.
I said thank you and then pointed to himself and said "Luis".
"Nice to meet you, Luis", I said, and headed into the store.
"I love you", he smiled and blew me a kiss.
I was torn between being disturbed and charmed and flattered. I decided to go with charmed because he was 5'2 and looked like a little muffin.
I get hit on or cat called a lot when I am wearing gym clothes. (Or, in a recent bizarre incident what I can only describe as "bird-called" in which some dude made some sort of a crow cawing sound as I walked by).
Anyway, this is mysterious to me and sometimes makes me feel like I'm being made fun of. Also, recently when I have been out and feeling like I looked kind of good I get nothing. This gets me all kind of messed up because I judge how good I look based on the quality of sexual harrassment I experience. My whole schema gets turned around.
Also, the thing is, I'm not what you would call particularly"fit" or "in-shape" right now. Since I sleep about 12 hours a day and the rest of the time I comfort/boredom eat. So it's not like someone is like "aw girl, you the hottie with a body in ya workout clothes". It's more like, "So....you're kinda hoping you'll pass a Mr. Softee on your way home from the gym, right? Yeah, that's what I thought."
So I'm not sure what it is about my demographic that likes me in my gym clothes...assuming they are just not making fun of me.
My demographic is usually:
Over-40
Working class/blue collar
Bald
Maybe a little on the paunchier side
Spanish or black.
The racial component I can only assume is because these happen to be the races that appreciate a girl who's more on the bootylicious side. I think they also tend to be the races that are more inclined to make a comment to a girl, though, so who knows if it's just cuz I have a big butt.
Anyways, obviously I am not the only girl to ever get cat called and it begs the question...does this actually work for dudes? Has some girl ever said, "oh, hold up...did you just bird call me? Make that sound again. Oh, hell yeah, guess who's gettin' my number?!" There has got to be some pay off for people to keep on doing this, right? Anyone know of any love connections based on some dude objectifying some chick and her positive response to said objectification?
Go misogyny!

I am deciding which bad date to write about next, so stay tuned!

Dating Disaster #1 or, the importance of red flags

So I was having dinner with my friend Mike today and telling him about the bad date I went on the other day. He suggested I write about it in my blog. We then had a whole discussion about the need for self-disclosure, private made public, internet voyeurism etc. which is a whole other blog I have been thinking about writing.
But, I had been thinking about writing a separate, more anonymous blog about my dating history anyway so that I could write about some of my more intense dating debauchery...but, I have insomnia now and I need to blog more (does anyone actually need to blog at all?). So here it is.
So R., as are most of my dates, was a splendid craigslist find from an ad I posted on the 4th of July. As I was leaving another date that had been a pretty solid failure I checked my email from my phone. I had gotten an email from this guy, he seemed nice and his pic was cute, kind of dorky, I thought maybe he could have some potential. And after my dating disgrace I was ready for another date. Turns out he was up near Harlem, and at the time I was in the East Village so I suggested we meet in Union Square. I figured I would walk there, wait for a bit and then he would show up. Well, after nearly an hour and a half of waiting he didn't show and I left. He texted as I was getting home and apologized for taking so long to get down there and said he would still like a chance to meet me. We emailed a little bit and I wasn't really feeling it, especially after he did what I hate which is the "check-in" email: "Hey, didn't hear back from you..just wondering...you know...if you got my last email." It gets to be a little much for me.

However, after all of these red flags of qualities that i know I don't like, I still decided to go through with a date. So Monday we were supposed to meet at a restaurant near my house at 6. I got a voicemail from him at 5:30 telling me to call him back (no other relevant info, which I also hate), I called back, got no answer and headed to the restaurant a little after 6. As I'm walking there he calls me telling me he had JUST gotten out of work (in Harlem) and was just leaving. Why he did not share this information in his first message I do not know. I was pretty much over it by this time, but he was already on his way and I could deal with some free dinner (that's right, not going dutch on this one).
So he calls me when he gets off of the subway and tells me he doesn't remember the name of the restaurant or where it is, I tell him to just go up one block to Leonard. He gets kind of whiny, saying he has no sense of direction.
Ok, I also have no sense of direction, but as with any disability you learn to adapt. In this particular situation I would go one block, if that wasn't the street, I would turn around and go the other way one block. One of those would be the street, see? But, our man R obviously is an idiot with no problem solving skills. So I go rescue him from the corner and we go to the restaurant.
I was already pretty unimpressed, so I don't know if there is a lot he could have done to redeem himself. But he didn't help himself at all. He didn't really look like his picture. He was recognizable, but was a lot nerdier in person.
First of all, his conversational skills were severely limited and he changed topics really bizarrely in a way that was really hard to follow. You also have to imagine a really monotone/shy voice with limited affect. An example of a conversational tidbit:
Him: What tv shows do you like.
Me: Um, I've been watching this show that ran on SciFi like a year ago called The Dresden Files.
(note: this is an example of why I am excellent at dating [not choosing dates obviously. but the actual act itself, I rule]. I chose this show in particular because I figured he would probably be into scifi)
Him: Like the city in Germany?
Me: Um, yeah, but it's the guy's last name.
Him: I just read a book about Dresden.
Me: ...

So, just a lot of that, where it's not completely off topic, but it's not how normal people would progress a conversation.

Anyway, I can deal with awkward, I'll just suck it up and get through my date and whatever. But then it gets worse.
We are talking about scary movies and I mention that someone I knew was so scared by The Ring that she had to sleep in her mom's bed for a week (at age 20+)
His response? "Oh, you could sleep in my bed if you needed to"
ugh.
I'm not a big fan of sexual innuendo in casual conversation with people I don't really know in the first place. Add in all of this dude's qualities and I spent the whole meal cringing.


So after dinner we decide to go get gelato at this window service place. We are standing in line and R asks if there is anywhere to sit and I tell him that there are chairs around the corner.
Him: Oh, haha, I was going to say something kind of suggestive. But maybe I won't...
Me: Ok.
Him: Do you want to hear it?
Me: Do you want to get shot down? (Yes I did say this)
Him: I was going to say something about...you know....going back to your place...and you know...eating gelato.
Me: We can just eat here.

Then as we're getting ready to order he announces that he's going to get a pint. I was like, jesus, but ok. Then he asks what size I am getting, I tell him a small. He says he will get a small too, but still orders the pint.
He gets his huge pint of gelato, which, as luck would have it was scooped in such a way that it had two ice cream scoop round mounds on the top.
Him: "Oh haha, look...this looks like something"
Me: ...
As we are eating he asks me if his size is a small. No, I say, it is a pint. You ordered a pint.
Him: Oh. I thought it was a small. Crazy Americans.
(fyi. kid was born and raised in new york)

And then, like a mirage in a desert of shitty dates, crossing the street are my friends. I jump up! Oh look! It's my friends! Um...my friend is in town...and, I haven't seen her in years...and they're going to get drinks....
Him: So, you're gonna get rid of me, huh?
Me: Haha yeah.
Him: Will we ever see each other again.
Me: ohhh....you never know. I'll walk you back to the subway.

By the time we got to the subway I had quit trying.
Him: Well, I had a great time. I just couldn't believe this beautiful girl was giving me so many chances.
Me: Oh. yeah. Well, I'm glad you had a nice time.
(pause)
Him: Well, I hope you had a good time too.
Me: oooh...fnignaognrnew (that's me mumbling something about thanks for dinner).

And, as if all that wasn't enough, he would ask me these challenging questions. I think it was his poorly socialized way of trying to get more information, but it came across as almost antagonistic. He challenged me on why I have been unemployed for so long. I will take a lot of shit from a lot of dudes. To a point that it's almost a self-respect problem. But that shit? No. There are few things I hold sacred, unemployment is one of them. You just don't question it, you admire it.

And have I heard from him since? Of course. And I suspect it won't be the last time. I anticipate a check-in email within the week.

ok, ok, i'll update

I came back last night from a to0-short trip back to Oregon to see the fam. It was too short of a trip and I am kind of feeling like I really want to go back next June maybe.
So I got the job that I had interviewed for....I would be more excited about it if they didn't keep pushing the date back of when I could start. It makes me feel like the agency is disorganized or inconsiderate and makes me worry about what it will be like when I start. Regardless, I start August 4th.
And thus will end 25 months of unemployment.
Honestly, I am getting kind of tired of unemployment, which I feel sacreligious saying, but there it is. And to respond to Melanie, yes I did used to play online bingo for cash and prizes. And yes, I still do. And yes, there are at least two people in every room I go to with "nana" or "grandma" in their screenname.
My internet is inconsistent in this new place, which is part of the reason that I haven't updated. Also it's hot as balls and it stifles my creativity.
But I will try to think of funny things to blog about. Possibly dating. I just went on one of the more awkward dates I've ever been on. Nothing like painfully shy computer nerds trying to throw out sexual innuendo.
Ugh.

second floor living without a yard

Well, I am finally moved amid a number of frustrations and nervous breakdowns....the most major of which was my lack of internet access for the last 4 days.
I have no cable in this place, which is fine since it's temporary and I can get all my shows online anyway. But, with no online from which to download my shows, no cable, no job and nothing to do I have spent most of my recent time here in tears. And comfort eating...which actually isn't that different from before I moved.
But! I am a genius and I have fixed my internet and it only took me approximately 10 hours. So I feel better and less out of it.
I also had a job interview today that was my 3rd (and final) with this agency. The first was a screening interview with an HR person who then referred me to diff programs throughout the agency. The program that got in touch with me was in the Bronx, and after commuting to Harlem for my first 8 months here, I knew I couldn't get down with a commute like that. So THEN they told me they had availability at a program in Brooklyn and I interviewed there last week (I think? All my days are the same), so then they contacted me for a follow up interview which I did today. The guy today said that if I chose to take the job that it would be "a pleasure to have [me]". So, I'm hoping to hear back from them by Monday and then to start ASAP....there is only so long that my Judge Karen monies will last me.
I had started a long post about my memories of moving into the apartment on DeKalb, as a memorial for the move...but I don't feel like finishing it.
I love anniversaries though, and July 5th will be my 2 year anniversary of not having a job and I am planning a grand retrospective of the last two years of daytime tv, naps, poverty, government assistance, crafts and general loafing.
Longtime blog fans can feel free to contribute their favorite memories of my unemployment times, as it appears they will be coming to an end shortly.

Things I will miss about living in bed-stuy:
The soundtrack: "No Woman, No Cry" - on Saturdays; Rap/Hip-hop - Summer evenings; Fuck you nigga -all hours, all days
Not being able to hear parts of conversations/tv shows/movies because trucks/motorcycles/buses/loud teenagers are outside.
The grocery stores
The only marginally acceptable produce being sold out of a truck on the corner.
Being within pleasant biking distance of prospect park and the big library.
Nelson, Joe from the stoop, Andre Nash the hobo hero and my upstairs neighbor who may or may not have murdered a prostitute.
Living in a dangerous but developing neighborhood.
Street cred.
Living within walking distance from The Worst Target In The World.


Things I am looking forward to in the sublet:
The new soundtrack: Mexican restaurant downstairs
A real grocery store!
Bars not owned by my landlord.
Fabric store next door.
Living on the L.
Lots of episodes of everybody loves raymond and the kirk cameron religious show because I have no cable
A new discount store to replace Family Dollar

Fair warning

This is the kind of post no one ever likes to read, because it's about how I'm bummed/stressed/depressed/annoyed I am.
But whatever, my blog views have reduced significantly now that the novelty of my tv appearance has worn off. Clearly all of you are just interested in riding the coattails of my fame.
My blog readers:Me::Aidnan Ghalib:Britney Spears.

Anyway, I am moving tomorrow. I found a sublet in Williamsburg that is really cute. I couldn't find a permanent place, but that's ok because this will give me a lot of time to find somewhere really great. Plus, the girl is excited about having cats, which is important to me.
Moving is stressful in the best of circumstances and I'm in a little bout of depression right now, so everything seems super overwhelming. I have to put some of my stuff in storage, and the storage place was supposed to provide movers but no one was available. And it turns out finding movers is hard when you wait until the last minute at the end of the month, and they are kind of expensive.
I had rented a "large capacity" car and a couple people are supposed to be helping me out (bless their souls) so we'll see how it all pans out. Right now it's torrential downpour and I think it's supposed to be similar tomorrow afternoon. I am gonna owe a couple people my first born child.

While I'm stressed about moving, I'm also ready to be done with this neighborhood and done with my roommate. I was telling her about my moving concerns and as per usual she just has to shit all over everything I say or do....she's super critical, but I don't think she thinks she is...which just makes it worse. So then when I told her that her negativity wasn't helpful she called me ridiculous and walked out.
So over it.

I'm also over the job search. I went to a job interview last week and the director never introduced herself to me (even though she was interviewing me) AND she checked her blackberry during the interview. Awesome. Needless to say, I won't be taking a position if offered one.
The job I have basically been offered sounds great, unfortunately the supervisor is on vacation until July 10....and I would really like to get things moving sooner than that. Super frustrating.

Meh. I'm just done with everything. I am planning on sequestering myself in my new place and playing online solitaire until September.

Basically, everything that has been going on has really made me question whether staying here was really the right choice for me.
Things will be better once I am done moving, have cut off contact with assholes in my life and get a job.
The secret is being hard to implement right now.

I'm just a courtroom gangsta

Part two of Judge Karen day:

So after meeting with the producers I went to the set to do the actual taping. I had been concerned I was going to get the giggles because the whole experience was so bizarre and hilarious.
Ok, so you know how on court shows they say "The plaintiff is now entering the courtroom" and they play music that's like "duhduh dun dun duuuh". Well, they actually play that as you're walking into the courtroom. Which I did not know and I feel like someone should have said. Because as soon as I opened the door I was seriously like, "are you kidding me?" So I may have what looks like a smirk while I walk in because I was simultaneously stunned and amused.
So then you stand at your mark (see how I use tv lingo there? That's how I do now) for a while and look into a camera. Don't know why. Then I go backstage while Sam enters and then I come back in and then we were sworn in.

I knew from what the producers told me ahead of time that it was clear that I was the good guy and the victim in the case. And when the judge came in it was obvious she had already made up her mind. She began immediately questioning Sam about why he hadn't been more helpful, etc. and accused him of lying.
So you all will see that at my viewing party or my youtube video. There are some good parts though. At one point the judge cracked herself up so much she cried. And then the whole audience gasps when I put the picture of the bedbug up on the screen. So there are some good moments, I hope make it into commercials. Imagine if they air the commercials for my episode during Oprah?!?!

They did not do an after-trial interview by Harvey Levin which kind of bummed me out.

In the car ride home I was talking to the driver, who apparently drives for all of the court shows and for Maury and Montel. I guess it's a lucrative position because he owns a second home in Vermont.
Anyway, this guy has nothing but disdain for pretty much anyone who appears on these shows. I was hoping he could tell me some stories about crazy shit that I am sure that has happened after tapings, but he wasn't very specific. However, he did confirm my suspicions about the teeth. They fix your busted teeth for you! They have some dentist on file and they send you there with your nasty teeth and fix them right up!

The next day I saw Sam while I was on my way to do laundry.
"Hey Joyce!"
I said hey and we joked about the trial. Then he told me I looked tired. I told him that being on the show had really worn me out.
"Oh, please" he said, "You loved it"

How can someone who does not know my name totally have my number?